Posts Tagged ‘TV’

Today was one long series of unfortunate events of the sort that Jim Carrey would never survive. It began with last night’s craft project and concludes with the character Band-Aid on my ass…

Last night I took some old photo frames that were the same size and color, sanded down the sides until they all matched perfectly, and fitted them together into a frame collage. It was gorgeous, if I may say so myself, each frame was black with gold trim so together it looked pretty fancy.

In this new set of frames I placed some black and white prints of kittens in costumes that I had been saving for years that came from a calendar…many many years ago. I have not seen a calendar similar to this, ever. I was saving the prints for something special.

I proudly hung the completed piece of art in my bathroom on a blank wall that has been bugging me. As a freelance writer with two kids out on the Back 40 of Hell’s Half Acre, I don’t exactly have much money. Extra things like home decorating items and wall art are luxuries that we just can’t buy. So anytime something can be made cheap and still looks classy, we are quite delighted with it.

This morning, things went pretty much as usual, my son woke me up at the crack of dawn to dance to CMT (his favorite early-am activity). I drank coffee that took an hour to brew (Hard water = a coffee pot that drips water at the rate of a slowly leaking faucet). I fixed us all bowls of our favorite cereal (none of the three of us like the same kind on the same morning…it is apparently against some cosmic rule).

I subsequently dumped out a bowl each of Cookie Crisp, Cinnabon-Something-or-Other, and Fruity Pebbles when I discovered the milk was a little…sharp. Eggs were rejected for the fact that I had exactly two eggs, and three hungry people. The kids got Pop-Tarts, I got another cup of coffee.

After that it was back to CMT and Legos for the munchkins, and I went into the bathroom to put on makeup and do something with my hair. My son gave me two minutes to get good and into the application of my eyeliner (very black, btw), then came marching up behind me with a TV remote in hand, headed for the toilet.

I leapt across the room, screeching “Nooooo!” and saved the remote in the nick of time, while apparently drawing an impressive black stripe across my face. Unfortunately either the high-pitched noise, the sudden shudder of the room from me jumping, or karma from the last bug I squished, something managed to dislodge the nail holding up my pretty creation from last night.

The entire thing came crashing down into the bathtub, shattering into dozens of splinters of glass and wood (insult to injury: the places I glued were mostly intact). Even the photos tore just enough to render them mostly useless in the future.

My saving grace in that moment was that the entire mess was limited to the interior of the bathtub, so it was fairly easy to scoop it all out, then shake out the bath mat and rinse the tiny shards down the drain. Plus, I could do all this with the munchkins and their curious little fingers locked safely out of the room until the glass was cleared.

It also gave me a few minutes to bawl like a baby and mourn the loss of the cool wall art that I would have dragged all house-guests into the bathroom to look at for the next month.

Once all of that was done, and the rest of the morning passed without any bloodshed or major malfukulations (yea…….sound it out…..there ya go), we all trooped out to Plainview to pay a bill that was due today.

I took with me all the money I had, which was enough to pay the bill and buy the gas to get back home. I did not consider that we would be passing roughly 137 snow-cone stands and a dozen ice cream trucks on this journey in 103 degree heat (but it’s a DRY heat…ha). I couldn’t buy the treats; couldn’t even stop for my gimongous iced tea from Sonic as I had hoped. We got the bill paid and the truck back up to a quarter tank with about 17 cents to spare.

By this time, the kids were sweaty and mutinous…

The bribe I got them out of Plainview on was that it’s Tuesday…and Meemaw (my grandmother) ALWAYS goes to the pizza buffet night in Lockney, and we have a standing invitation to go eat with her each and every Tuesday. We have been doing this for over a year at least a couple times a month, and not once has she allowed us to pay for our meal. Therefore I felt fairly safe in the drive to Lockney.

Nope. This turned out to be the one Tuesday that she wasn’t home, wasn’t in town, wasn’t anywhere to be found. If looks could kill, the tiny lightning bolts flying at the back of my head from the backseat would have taken me out right there on Main Street, crashing the truck into the newly remodeled pizza place.

I pacified the kids with a trip to visit my parents (they LOVE Grandma and Papaw), and got lucky. Mom had some money she was saving for me from some of my storage stuff she’d sold for me.

Therefore, I got to feed the angry, hungry minions!

It wasn’t pizza, but Dairy Queen fries and chicken saved me from a sure overthrow of the throne tonight.

Getting back home was uneventful, as was most of the rest of the evening. The kids watched iCarly and George Lopez while I got a few things written for “work.”

My son drowned my favorite makeup brush in the bathtub and my daughter had a hissy fit because I wouldn’t let her wear a pageant dress and boots to bed. The cat scratched the smallest one for dragging him around by the tail, and the screeches that ensued scared the loopy cowdog outside. The dog howled for half an hour, and the kids went to bed mad at me…for some reason, it was all Momma’s fault, as always.

Finally…

Finally, the kids were in bed and I was alone (well, reasonably so, the kitten in the house doesn’t count). I poured a glass of bourbon and diet coke because I am NOT a glass of wine kind of girl, and I ran the bathtub full of bubbles and bath salts.

I sank into the tub and slid down…and immediately jumped back out, splashing water and bubbles all over the bathroom.

Yeah, there was a piece of glass in the bath mat that had evidently survived the cleanup efforts of the morning.

Yeah, I cut my ass cheek.

And yeah, considering that I am really not a Band-Aid kind of person, it is quite an admission for me to tell you that since the location of the cut was just so that shorts were uncomfortable, I decided to put a bandage on it.

There are dozens of bandages in my house, in every shape and size, in Tinkerbell, Hannah Montana, Cars, Toy Story, and more…lots to choose from.

I put SpongeBob on my buttcheek just for spite.

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The mommy job is all about gaining a certain number of points per day. It’s a lot like Weight Watchers…everything you do adds (or subtracts) points, and by the end of the day you need to be in a certain range to have successfully completed your day’s work as a Mommy.

You start the day with a few points to begin with, because you deserve them for just taking on the roles of:

  • Mother
  • Cook
  • Chauffer
  • Nurse (boo-boo kisser and Band-aid dispenser)
  • Party planner
  • Fashion coordinator
  • Hair stylist
  • Nose wiper
  • Maid
  • Referee
  • Activities director (and Travel agent)
  • Conscience and Voice of Reason
  • TV/DVD/Stereo/Computer fixer
  • Battery replacer
  • Librarian
  • Teacher
  • Judge and jury
  • Zookeeper

Therefore, all mommies start the day with 50 Mommy Points!

Your goal at the end of each and every day is actually up to you.

Level 1 Mommies: Stressed out mommies with multiple children, full-time jobs, and a single status are perfectly justified in their goal of not gaining points, but simply maintaining their 50 Mommy Points and making sure the kids are healthy and accounted for by the end of the day.

Level 2 Mommies: Middle of the road mommies usually end the day with about 150 Mommy Points, kids in bed drifting off with a movie, the worst of the clutter tossed into a closet, and tomorrow’s jeans in the dryer.

Level 3 Mommies: Super Mom…well, she finishes the day with 300 Mommy Points, a roast in the crock pot for tomorrow, the coffeemaker set to start brewing at the ass-crack of dawn, everyone’s outfits for tomorrow laid out and coordinated according to each other and the weather…and a perfectly pressed red cape hanging on the door ready for the next morning.

 

Here it is…the POINTS LIST!!

Good Morning!!!

Good Morning Momma!!!

Congratulations, the act of not hiding out under the sheets all day is an accomplishment! It’s a little like starting the semester with an A…you just have to keep it! Good Luck!

+50         Getting out of bed.

-50          Hiding under the covers until someone calls the authorities.

 

Starting Out:

Once you’ve made it out of bed, the day has to begin, whether you want it to or not. Here are the Mommy Points you can gain (or lose) right out of the gate.

+10         Putting on real clothes before noon.

+15         Those clothes are clean, dry, and match.

+5           Brushing your hair and teeth.

+5           Applying makeup and styling hair in something other than a messy ponytail.

+5           Getting the children dressed in real clothes before noon.

+10         Those clothes are clean, dry, and match.

+10         Children’s hair and teeth brushed.

+5           Little girls’ hair styled.

-25          Wearing PJ’s until it’s time to go back to bed at night.

-10          Limp hair tied back in a messy bun (that you put it in three days ago).

-15          Any child leaves home wearing shorts, snow boots, a sweater-vest, and a necktie.

 

Feeding Time:

Breakfast:

+5           Cereal.

+10         Instant oatmeal, cream of wheat, or malt’o’meal.

+15         Scrambled eggs.

+25         Eggs (any style BUT scrambled), pancakes or waffles, bacon or sausage, toast or biscuits.

-5            Pop-Tarts.

-10          Cookies.

-25          Drag the kids out of the cat’s food bowl and bribe into car with chocolate.

Lunch and Dinner:

+20         Home-cooked and healthy.

+10         Sandwiches and apple slices.

+5           Lunchables.

-10          McDonald’s.

-15          Chips.

-25          Mixing up the doggie bacon with the kids’ bacon.

-45          They need food?

Snacks:

+5           Fruit, raw veggies, baked chips, rice cakes, granola bars, or trail mix.

-5            Candy, cookies, cake, or anything with caffeine.

-20          Whatever they can scavenge from the yard or the neighbors kitchen.

 

Safety and Security:

+5           Playpens.

+10         Baby backpacks and carriers.

+15         Fenced yards with sandboxes and NO jungle gyms/trees/monkey-bars.

Lovin' the Great Outdoors!

+45         Going outside anytime the kids do.

+10         Helmets and pads for appropriate sports.

Floaties!

+5           Handy supply of Band-Aids.

+10         Seat belts and car-seats for any outing.

...but he IS buckled up!

+10         Jackets, gloves, hats, and other appropriate clothing when there is white stuff everywhere and you can see your breath.

+10         Sunscreen and bottled water when you step outside and start sweating.

-20          Losing a child for any amount of time.

+15         Finding that child within a few minutes (and a few miles).

-35          Not noticing you have lost a child until the police bring them back.

-10          Leaving the dog in charge, that only works in Disney homes.

A Girl and her Dog

 

Random Common (and not so common) Happenings:

+25         Time playing outside and doing things that don’t involve TV.

+15         Limiting TV to age-appropriate shows.

+10         Setting the Dish to turn to your child’s favorite show every day at the same time.

+15         Enforcing naptime.

+5           Board games and coloring.

-5            Video games (except educational…those cancel out to no loss or gain).

-20          Setting the Dish wrong, and not realizing that your child has been watching Criminal Minds or Law & Order S.V.U. every day for the last month.

+5           Considering that an educational experience and double checking the TV from now on.

+25         Your child knows how to pretend.

+30         Pretending with your child, even if it means wearing the tiara and drinking air tea.

-10          You manage to get overheard by the 4 year old when discussing how much money you should leave for a tooth…and cannot come up with a fast enough answer for “But I thought the TOOTH FAIRY left the money!?!?!?”

-35          You do the same as above, about Santa Clause.

 

Bathing:

+25         The kids go to bed clean, no matter how they got that way.

+10         Real bath with warm water and tear-free shampoo.

+5           Water toys in the tub.

+15         BUBBLES!!!

+2           Water hose in the front yard (summertime ONLY).

Swimming in a Horse Tank

-500       Toddlers and babies in a tub without you in the room. L

 

Better Home and Garden:

+25         Everyone has clean clothes every day that come from the closet or dresser clean and folded or hung.

+10         Everyone has clean clothes that come from a laundry basket or dryer.

-15          Everyone runs around naked waiting for the wash cycle.

+50         There is NOTHING sticky on any surface in the home.

+25         The house is cluttered, but relatively presentable.

+10         When company comes over, a quick tossing of random things into a closet is required, but nothing major.

-15          There are trails to get from room to room.

-25          The last time you mopped was when your water broke on the kitchen floor.

-50          You strongly suspect that there are things growing in the fridge and under the couch.

-2            Pets drink from the toilet.

-25          Kids drink from the toilet.

 

The Bedtime Routine (or lack thereof):

+25         You read a bedtime story.

+25         Pajamas and sheets are always clean.

+5           The kids get to watch TV before bed.

-5            The TV is on all night.

-10          The baby sleeps in a dresser drawer or laundry basket.

-20          Pets sleep in the kids’ rooms.

-35          You don’t know if they went to bed yet or not.

 

Okay ladies, this is by NO means an all-encompassing list, just a few guidelines that you can customize to fit your own personal needs.

Good Luck!!!

There is really no need to go into debt for the rest of your life, unless you just want the federal government chasing you around forever wanting their money back on the “defaulted” student loans that supposedly were going to get you a degree that would pay for itself in a few short years.

College is not bullshit, don’t get me wrong…but for many, it is truly a waste of time and resources. I went to college. I enjoyed the experience, and I learned a few things. However, the most valuable lessons had nothing to do with the course material or with any professor I ever had. Now there was a prof’s assistant that taught me a few things once…never mind, that still didn’t have a thing to do with Geology.

Bartending at night, waitressing during the day, and dating actually taught me more than college ever did. Add a couple of marriages and children and I have a degree in Real Life that contains more knowledge and experience than any PhD. Unfortunately, I also have the student loan debt. I am on the fence about whether the cost of college is actually worth it or not. That is a debate for another post…

So, you want to learn how to make a living at something without the thousands and thousands of dollars in debt, the criminal record that is almost a prerequisite for anyone entering their 3rd year of college, and the four or five or twelve years of late nights, early mornings, stressing over grades, hours in the library, and creepy dorm guys?

You need $16.95 a month.

Seriously.

That is roughly the amount of a middle of the road, 3-DVDs-out-at-a-time, unlimited streaming membership with Netflix. And no…there is no Pell Grant for this route of higher learning, you actually have to pay the 17 bucks each month. However, there are no books and you can attend classes in your pajamas.

Let’s say you want to be a chef. You need a queue (nifty little list of discs you want them to mail to you) full of Rachael Rae, Paula Deen, and Emeril. Watch and learn. Simple, right?

There is even a cute little search box at the top of the Netflix page that allows you to search for movies and TV shows according to topic, actor, title, etc. So go ahead and search for Yoga, plan yourself an itinerary, and set out to teach Yoga to the huddled masses on the streets of Philly.

Note: Yoga classes in public are not well-received in Texas…  Country line-dancing is not well-received anywhere else BUT Texas.

Need a more lucrative, better paying job with more risks, but greater rewards? Sign yourself up for the entire 6 or 7 seasons of Weeds. The adventures of the pot-selling suburban housewife teaches you everything you might need to know about growing, selling, cover businesses, building a sales team, and covering your ass. You learn what to do with great detail and extra tips and tricks, and you learn what not to do by watching the mistakes of the characters and how they solve their problems.

You can consider the Master’s course of study by watching every episode of Weeds and moving on to some movies. Each movie counts as a graduate course, and include such classics as Pulp Fiction, True Romance, The Last Boy Scout, and Blow.

Not into growing or selling drugs? There are plenty of other courses of study in the Movies and TV Degree Programs.

Religious Studies? Rent the Passion of the Christ, The Gods Must Be Crazy, and Dogma.

Feel the need to be the Bonnie or Clyde of the next generation? Line up every Law & Order there is, and follow it up with Criminal Minds and CSI. These teach you what to do in the what not to do way. Advanced degrees require some full-length movies…again Pulp Fiction is a good choice, as is Once Upon a Time in Mexico and Reservoir Dogs. Actually, just search for Quentin Tarantino and “add all.”

Animal Rights? Check out Gorillas in the Mist and 12 Monkeys.

Have an itch to get into medicine (at least the under the table, fix it without a medical license kind)? Start with the diploma program that includes all the episodes available of ER, Grey’s Anatomy, Scrubs, and HawthoRNe. For a more advanced training program add House MD and the movie Medicine Man.

See? Everything you ever need to know, you CAN get from Netflix!

There are plenty of “best movie” lists out there. This one isn’t a list of the best, or the worst, or anything else that makes sense. It’s just MY list…which of course makes it perfectly important.
Casablanca. Just kidding, I actually hated that one…but for some reason it is almost always in a list like this. Thought there might be a blog-cop out there who will boot your list off the internet if your best-movies lists don’t have Casablanca on them. I also have another admission…I don’t like John Wayne *gasp* so you won’t find his movies on here, either. Also not on my list of favorites…Breakfast at Tiffany’s, Gone with the Wind, and Beaches.
Steel Magnolias. This is one chick flick that I am fully supportive of. Any movie where you can combine Southern charm and propriety with a line such as “There’s nothin’ like a good piece of ass” cannot be wrong.
Pulp Fiction. It amuses me that most people watch this movie for about twenty minutes and give up on it out of complete and total confusion. It does take a modicum of intelligence to follow, and more to appreciate…but if you understand the subtleties, it is hilarious. Need more convincing? Ok…Bruce Willis, John Travolta, Samuel L. Jackson, Ving Rhames, Uma Thurman…
Full Metal Jacket. Yeah, I am a girl, and I love this movie.
Pretty Woman. She’s a dirt-poor hooker with a safety-pin holding her boot up. He’s a bajillionaire with a penthouse. They get to live happily ever after. What’s not to like?
Dogma. This one is not for the faint of heart, or the easily offended…first of all it has Jay and Silent Bob. Secondly, Alanis Morrisette is cast as God. Chris Rock is the 13th Apostle who was left out of the Bible because of his skin color. George Carlin is a bishop…and there is a battle with a Shit-Demon. Ben Affleck and Matt Damon are fallen angels trying to get back into Heaven via New Jersey. If you don’t offend easily, this one is HILARIOUS…if you do, you probably have read enough here to hate me. Sorry.
The Last Boy Scout. Bruce Willis is a smartass ex-cop who smokes too much, drinks too much, swears too much, and tells really bad jokes. Things blow up, bad guys have equally bad accents, and people get shot and/or beaten up every few minutes. It’s great!
Top Gun. I have been able to quote this entire movie since I was in Jr. High. In fact, I watched it just the other day on ION television and was pissed that they edited it enough to throw off my quoting rhythm.
Silence of the Lambs. It doesn’t even scare me anymore…but it does crack me up every time.
The Breakfast Club. Anyone who was EVER an awkward teenager can relate to this movie. It’s a classic! Everyone had a character that was “totally me!”
Dangerous Liaisons. Because everyone needs a pretentious pseudo drama full of bad accents in their list of great movies. …and John Malkovich makes any movie a must-see.
Point Break. Keanu trying to combine surfer and cop. Patrick almost nailing a great combination of charming and bad guy. Gary Busey in the endearingly down and out cop role that he’s so good at. Was…I guess. He’s not bad in celebrity rehab, either…quite convincing, haha.
Dazed and Confused. Never seen it??? “It’d be much cooler if you did.”
Basic Instinct. So, was she or wasn’t she an ice-pick killer???
Heathers. This dark and twisted comedy never fails to brighten my day. Christian Slater was a fun actor when he was younger, and makes a pretty good charming teen sociopath. Plus when the most annoying Heather drinks the drain cleaner I somehow think of all the “mean girls” in my own high school and think they all would have made great Heathers.
Fight Club. Ahahaha!!! A multiple personality in a power struggle with himself? I have always liked Edward Norton anyway, but this character is almost his best. It’s a toss-up between this psycho and the character he played in American History X (also a good one).
Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man. Cheesy, over-the-top, several really bad actors if you don’t count the main two…and a helicopter grand finale. Lots of bullets, not much blood, money, hookers, a bar, and drugs… I will always remember the advice that Don Johnson’s daddy used to give “before he left this shitty world.”
Nightmare on Elm Street. “One, Two…he’s after you.” Freddy is and always will be the scariest villain of all time.
Dirty Dancing. “Nobody puts Baby in the corner.” This movie will never lose its charm, no matter how cheesy and outdated it becomes. The kiss (when he lip-sings the words to the song) at the end of that movie is still the sexiest, most romantic scene ever to be filmed…
Boondock Saints. I have the prayer as a ringtone on my phone. Probably my favorite character of all time is Willem Defoe’s flamboyant cop.
Leaving Las Vegas. I can’t really explain it, but I have always liked Elisabeth Shue, and Nic Cage makes an absolutely unforgettable drunk. These two are screwed up in every single sense of the word, and somehow manage to make slowly dying seem sexy.
Benny & Joon. Johnny Depp climbs trees and makes grilled cheese sandwiches with an iron. He was also “won” in a poker game. Additional entertainment is Mary Stuart Masterson in her helmet and snorkel…
The Lord of the Rings Trilogy. Viggo Mortensen. Orlando Bloom. …plus, I am kind of a nerd, I just fall short of loving Star Wars.
Pirates of the Carribean. Johnny Depp is always a good choice, and as the best/worst pirate ever to wear too much eyeliner, he is absolutely delightful.
Die Hard. Yippie Ki-yay, M*ther F*cker (for some reason, people think if you put the asterisk in the middle of the curse word, it is more socially acceptable to type “fuck”…so there ya go).
I will probably continue to think of movies that “I should have listed” for months, now. I also feel like a complete sell-out for putting something as mainstream as a favorite movies list on my blog. Oh well. I entertained myself for half an hour, if nothing else.
Btw, if you haven’t seen the Tourist…I would recommend it.

I am a terrible mom, apparently. If you look at some of the most popular and highly rated parenting websites, you will find oodles of articles and blogs about how to be the BEST parent you can be!

There are thousands of dollars worth of gadgets you HAVE TO HAVE to raise children safely. Every single cabinet and drawer must be locked down so tight that your husbands cannot get into them. The toilet must be so sealed shut that you have to decide to go to the bathroom BEFORE you really have to go, so that you have time to get into it. Cleaners must be organic and all natural, and there mustn’t be a single germ in the house anywhere! There are even articles that tell you how to sanitize sand for a sandbox!

Here are the reasons I am a BAD MOMMY:

  • My kids play outside in the dirt. I am sure that they have both eaten at least a couple of handfuls. Sure, I try to stop them…but have you ever seen those little shits move!?!
  • I call them little shits. Occasionally, I forget and call them that within earshot of their tiny ears.
  • The toilet lid is down, but not locked. My son has (more than once) came up and wiped suspiciously wet hands on my jeans. I cleaned his little hands off with a baby wipe, but I didn’t exactly freak out.
  • The kids know the best way to dry off hands is to wipe them off on jeans.
  • There is not a single cabinet lock in my house unless you count the one that was painted shut when I moved in…not sure what is back there.
  • My son kisses the cats. The cats live outside, and don’t take regular baths with antibacterial soap.
  • When my daughter was little and had a pacifier, she would occasionally drop it of the floor. In a pinch, when I was in a hurry, I popped it into my own mouth and then back into hers.
  • They have both had tea, soda, and tasted coffee.
  • They have both eaten a cracker that had been forgotten on the floor for a couple days.
  • They both fall down and get told “brush it off, you’re fine.”
  • They watch Spongebob Squarepants, Nick at Nite, and House MD.
  • My son has tried to open a bottle of Dos Equis…with a screwdriver.
  • My daughter knows that when we cross our own cattle-guard, that I don’t mind if she unbuckles her seat belt and sits up to look for animals.
  • They have both seen and heard a gun being fired.

Here are the reasons being a BAD MOMMY makes me a GOOD MOMMY:

  • Because of the dirt they play in…they have been exposed to germs. Meaning that yes, they have caught colds and the flu, but they won’t be hospitalized because their little bodies never developed an immune system.
  • They might pop out with the occasional s-word and get told that is a grown-up word…but they also hear and say “I love you.” every single day of their lives.
  • Because the cabinets and toilets aren’t locked, I don’t have to help them with every little thing they might need to get (or go)…and when we inevitably visit a place without cabinet locks, they won’t go crazy with newfound forbidden freedom.
  • My son is happy kissing the cats…and it hasn’t hurt him yet.
  • Because I don’t freak out and coddle them for every scraped knee…they are tough kids that can take a spill and get right back up. Don’t freak out…if there is blood, I fix it. I even kiss the boo-boo. Neither kid freaks out at a little blood, though…unlike those who watch their mother’s freak out at a little blood.
  • They know there are things on TV they cannot watch, and things they watch that they cannot repeat. My daughter also knows she wants to be a cop and a doctor when she grows up, instead of a fairy.
  • My son never did get that bottle open, but I was so proud of the fact that he knew to go get a tool out of the toolbox for a job he couldn’t handle. And yes…I stopped him before the bottle could hurt him in any way.
  • They will both grow up knowing gun safety, and never accidentally shoot themselves because they don’t know which end of the gun might fire.
  • My kids get hugs and kisses every day…from people, dogs, cats, and each other. The germs are probably spreading like wildfire…but so is the love.

Even though I am not a perfect parent…both my kids think I’m pretty damn cool for a mom (in fact my daughter told me that the other day…verbatim). Their sometimes snotty or drooly little kisses might have germs in them…but they’re the germs of some happy, well-rounded little kids who will grow up knowing how to take care of themselves.

Speaking of Disney…and all the other “great” family entertainment producers out there…

There are a few, aren’t there?Warner, maybe?

This is all just a matter of observation as someone who has quite an extensive knowledge of cartoons and children’s shows. Ever notice the political  INcorrectness of the shows we watch?

I am raising my children in the real world, and in the real world, *gasp* someone might on occasion say something above a PG rating. I want my children to know how to handle those situations. So, yes…they watch the movies and shows I am about to make fun of here in a moment, when I get around to the point. They are actually doing quite well, considering that I am one of those horribly liberal and astoundingly laid-back (oh…you mean neglectful? My mistake!!) attitude towards child-rearing.

^^^That was my disclaimer.^^^

Seriously.

😉

Sooo, I guess I could actually get around to the point…even though that tangent was entertaining me very well in and of itself.

My point was to mention some great children’s movies and the sometimes blatant adult references within them. They aren’t subtle at all (or maybe I really am a conspiracy theorist), but they are hidden just well enough that most children are never any wiser.

Therefor I wonder what the purpose of these non-G-Rated references. Are they for the entertainment of the adult caretakers of children who are stuck watching them? Y’know…a little humor for the grown-ups, too?

Or do they really think they are being subtle?

Is there a contest out there somewhere for those who “get” the jokes, a PO box where you mail in your observations and get a ticket to visit Disneyland? And while we’re on the subject…if you visit Disneyland (I’ve never been), are there attractions and rides that are subtly adult-themed, too??

Ok, ok…that was another tangent. Whoops.

Scooby-Dooby-Doo! This is one of my favorites. There are so many things “wrong” with this one. A bunch of kids in a brightly-colored van…that looks to be around a late-60’s model…running around looking for ghosts and other weird things. They hear noises, they see things…their “ghosts” turn out to be normal people that their own paranoia turned into something scary. The dog talks, and someone is always wanting snacks. Even the van’s windows are usually “smoked” out. …and who knows someone named “Shaggy” that wasn’t stoned?

Peter Pan. Ahhh, the boy of your dreams shows up on your windowsill in the middle of the night. He goes from elated and happy to sobbing about his shadow within a few moments. The sobbing turns into begging…he wants you to join him on a magical journey, all you need to get there is some of this “fairy dust.” The begging turns to bragging, which rolls right back into the elation.

Once you take the “trip” with him…he pouts if he doesn’t get his way, he must be in control of every little thing, and he turns quite angry when you want to go home, and he gets into violent battles with others who show an interest in you.

Winnie the Pooh. Everyone here represents some sort of mental disorder, and there is really nothing in the stories to help you cope with the problems…they just perpetually feed one another. Pooh Bear has an eating disorder, Piglet is co-dependent, Rabbit is paranoid schizophrenic, Tigger has ADHD, and Christopher Robin talks to his toys. A Psych fanatic’s dream!

Beauty and the Beast. Ahhh poor Belle…classic case of Stockholm Syndrome. She began to hallucinate friends in her loneliness, and fell for her captive…becoming his willing prisoner forever.

Snow White. She lived in the woods with seven unmarried men, waiting for Mr. Right to come along.

The Little Mermaid. Remember when the old witch taught her the “importance of body language” to seduce a man…as she shook her own, um, assets around suggestively?

Spongebob Squarepants.  Come on…seriously??? They live in bikini bottom, eat at the Krusty Krab, and there is an entire episode dedicated to cursing…ahem, sorry…”conversation enhancers.”  And that’s just a few…this show is full of great examples.

 

I’m pretty sure I missed a whole bunch of good ones…but my point remains. There really isn’t very many examples out there of truly kid-friendly TV or movies. Just be happy your little ones don’t understand double meanings and innuendos just yet.