Posts Tagged ‘sarcasm’

I found something cool today…a little late, considering I have had a blog here for a while…while I was exploring the finer points of the “new” WordPress features.

I was proud of myself; I normally can’t be bothered with the technical aspects of online shyte, like stats, search terms, search engine optimization and all that. It’s enough for me to know what that means.

Anyway, I found a great little list of the search terms that people have used to find me! Considering the list is pretty useless for a technological hater like me, the great treasure in finding it for me was purely in for entertainment…

Until I began to notice some of the terms people have typed into Google that ultimately led them here to me. That’s when I began to worry.

I am aware there are some strange and unusual people out there with their freak flags waving high and proud, but I preferred to think that they were out there somewhere reading sci-fi blogs and adding weird photos to the Cheezburger network. They are…but they are also finding me!!!

The people in white coats with giant butterfly nets are going to come after me if I keep showing up in some of these crazy disturbing searches!!!

Here are some of the more, um…colorful phrases that have led them here to m:

  • Hippie voicemail – Did hippies have voicemail?  Yeah, yeah, I know…the title of my blog ties in here…but what the heck were they actually looking for? I might just want to read that one!
  • Make trash – Do I talk about trash too much? When? I do not have a single trash tag that I recall. Granted, I have the occasional incidence of blogging while drinking, but I do not remember discussing trash in any great detail.
  • Naked hippie children photos – Ok, this one is a little alarming. Are we talking about a naked hippie looking for photos of children? Or some pervert looking for photos of children with long hair and birthday suits flashing a peace sign? Either way, NOT someone I want hanging around!
  • Cowboy gun spinning – I feel sorry for the poor redneck who was looking for instructions on how to spin their revolver around a finger a la Doc Holiday and instead found my story about the snake and the flip-flop. Poor guy might still be sitting shell-shocked in front of his computer wondering why in the hell some people attempt the redneck life when they are clearly out of their league and wearing the wrong shoes.
  • Minion bed sheet – Bed sheets for minions? Bed sheets with minions printed on them? Someone found a minion in their bed?
  • History of catnip – “Hey, look…some leafy plants! Let’s go feed it to an animal and see what happens!”
  • fears tough men have – This was probably searched for by an angry housewife looking to scare her husband into submission…
  • karma lessons for the scorpions – Say what!?!? I am picturing a gothic-dressed teeny-bopper who likes to pretend she’s Wiccan, sitting in a beanbag chair with a purple and black spray-painted laptop searching for revenge spells to cast on her evil classmates. Or a mis-guided classic rock fan.
  • Can i sell a kidney in Texas – This one bothers me a bit…I somehow didn’t think the black market for organs would have been too widespread in Texas. The kidney-selling scene is one I always pictured being more popular on some yuppie college campus up North. It does make me wonder, though…how much does a kidney sell for?
  • Happily psychotic – Hehee, now THIS person might have actually been looking for ME!
  • Hippie minion – Exactly what makes a minion become a hippie minion? Is it a penchant for running around naked? Check. Unruly hair and a love of classic rock? Check. Wears love beads? Check.   I guess I have a couple of hippie minions. Was this person in the market for one? If so, I might consider renting mine out.
  • Anaconda face close up snaps – Ok, where in the hell did this one come from, and HOW did it direct a person to this blog???
  • Chauffer waiting – I don’t have a chauffeur. Especially one that waits on me. This person must have been sadly disappointed. Another thing…how did anything mis-spelled direct anyone here??? That offends me deeply.
  • Happy hippie house cleaning – Is this a service they offer? And do they make good money? I could clean houses in my best ripped jeans, singing “Tuesday’s Gone” loudly and off-key, and using the foaming glass cleaner to draw smiley faces and peace signs on people’s windows. Where do I sign up???

Well, that about does it for the really outrageous search terms. I will continue to strive to be random enough that I get “found” by lots and lots of freak-flag-waving psychos so that I will have another good batch of outrageous search terms for you soon.

Have a great night, my hippie minions and gun-spinning scorpion fans…

It is sometimes almost scary to be in here, and at the very least it is often quite confusing. I tend to run on several channels at once, with interference from each one creating an undertone of distracting noise on the others.

I figured I might be able to record a sample of my typical thought train and see how it looked in writing.

Ok…yes, I am bored and couldn’t think of anything brilliant to write about for the moment, so I am writing a post about nothing in particular.

I was sitting on the front steps earlier watching my son play in his sandbox with his favorite cat and found myself contemplating the energy drink in my hands. It bragged: non-carbonated, all-natural, guaranteed to quench even the “most intense thirst.”

I found myself thinking about thirst-quenching drinks and wondering why some work better than others. Tea and water, for example, work everytime…if the tea is unsweetened. Add sugar and it seems to detract from the tea’s thirst-quenching abilities. Sugary lemonade, though, can work great. So it really doesn’t make sense, since apparently the presence of sugar doesn’t really have an effect on thirst-quenching success.

That got me on a tangent of why non-carbonated beverages work so much better than carbonated ones…since you would think bubbles wouldn’t really make that much of a difference. I second-guessed myself on that one when I remembered the “crisp, clean taste of Sprite” which is carbonated, sugary as hell, and kills thirst as well as any tea or lemonade…if it’s cold. The cold vs. warm debate was not one I wanted to get into with myself, so I ignored that thought.

Speaking of thirst, I wondered…is that what it is like to be a vampire? The most thirsty you can get, where only tea or water will work, seems to burn in the back of your throat. If that is how a vampire feels, then I truly feel sorry for them. It would be horrible to not be able to turn to a huge glass of iced tea…

Furthermore, how can blood quench a thirst? It’s hot and sticky and I can’t imagine that would be a good feeling on the back of a parched throat. Would chilled blood work better? And would it somehow not be as good if they drank it from a cup with a straw? Somehow that just seems more civilized and less messy. Preferably a cup that is not clear… A lid would also be good, bloodstains suck to get out of carpet.

In Twilight, Bella drank her blood from a cup when she was pregnant with the half-vampire child. Wouldn’t that be impossible? A vampire is essentially dead…wouldn’t the sperm be well past swimming and fertilizing??

Anyway…those books (Twilight series) were so much better than the movies, even though the movies were entertaining. I liked the cast they chose for everyone except Rosalie…for some reason I didn’t think the actress was pretty enough to live up to the books’ descriptions of “the most beautiful creature anyone had ever seen.” I mean, the movie Rosalie had black eyebrows and white-blonde hair. That isn’t all that attractive on any creature. That’s just me though…I’m not really into tall blonde chicks, hehee.

Speaking of books, movies, and vampires…

Why can’t they make movies of the Anita Blake (Laurell K. Hamilton) series? Those were a hell of a lot more entertaining and imaginative than Twilight…and wouldn’t have sparked an entire nations disbelief in a sparkly vampire. Hamilton’s vampires were just as sexy as Edward Cullen any day…but they didn’t sparkle. They were too cool for that.

I liked that the were-animals in the Blake series were far more diverse than a few small-town werewolves. There are gun-toting wererats and stripper wereleopards…so much cooler!

No, I actually don’t read only about vampires…I read all kinds of things. I like crime thriller type books, and am a fan of Iris Johansen and Sandra Brown. Some of Stephen King’s stories are okay, but a little over-rated. Except Christine. Christine was probably one of my favorite books of all time. I loved that mean, jealous, bitchy car!

The movie was ok…not great. I am not usually thrilled with remakes, but that one would be a good one for the “movie people” to make a newer version of. They would have to keep the make and model of the car though…she just wouldn’t look right as a shiny new Chevy or something.

Too bad they’ve really run out of ideas for good movies. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen more than a handful of really good movies. They are all tedious and boring now. A few have been ok. The Ugly Truth was a little cheesy, but fun. How Do You Know turned out to be really good. Of course, I love Jack Nicholson…you cannot beat his sarcastic charm.

Did Robert Duvall die? I always liked him, too…he was (is?) an awesome actor. I loved his character in Lonesome Dove. I still cry everytime Gus dies. He was also pretty good in Days of Thunder.

Tom Cruise was so much better back then…when he wasn’t afraid to “act outside the proverbial box.” Interview with the Vampire…he made a great Lestat. I wonder if he is still into the whole Scientology thing, and how they felt this weekend when the world didn’t end? Were they one of the groups that were expecting us all to get snatched up out of our shoes Saturday?

Someone made a joke that the Rapture didn’t happen because God and Jesus decided it wasn’t worth the price of gas to come down at this time… I thought that was freaking hilarious, some people didn’t see the humor. I was one of the ones in favor of buying a bunch of blow-up dolls, filling them with helium, and releasing them at 6 o’clock Saturday evening to watch people freak out. I’m not exactly politically correct though.

I wish the wind would stop blowing…my daughter has been wanting to get out her slip n slide. Lately though, it would turn into a mudbath that I really don’t want to clean up. Not to mention, poor Dylan would blow away if he were on a slippery surface.

Cheyenne’s program at school is tomorrow morning, then they are going to spend a couple of days with Grandma. YAY!!! Peace and quiet!!

Maybe I will get some more done those two days…I really need to write some stuff for something other than this. Even though this is my favorite project. I also need to clean up the house. I have dishes in the dishwasher that need put away, and I have laundry that needs folded.

Those are my two biggest pet peeves…putting up clean clothes and dishes. I have no idea why, but I don’t mind washing either, but putting them away is annoying. My clothes stay in a pile most of the time until they get worn. This bugs the crap out of me sometimes, and other times I think, “who really gives a rat’s ass if they are in the closet or a basket anyway?”

I guess I answered my own question…sometimes I give a rat’s ass. Life would be so much less stressful if I could just let go of the notion that they needed to be put away neatly and let them sit in their basket. Then I wouldn’t have to put them away, but I also wouldn’t have to feel guilty because I haven’t yet.

Okay, that was over 1200 words on absolutely nothing at all, and I have better things to do. Hope you enjoyed the ride on that thought train!

It has been months since I switched to AT&T. They’re a horrible cell phone carrier, but that is another story altogether. Anyway, I haven’t had voicemail since I went to the new service, much to my mom and husband’s great dismay.

Contrary to popular belief…of the previously mentioned busybodies (hehee)…the lack of a working voicemail account has nothing to do with inability to navigate the step-by-step automated set-up call. It does have everything to do with this… I don’t WANT a voicemail box. There are several reasons…which no one seems to either believe or listen to.

Am I alone in this? Does EVERYONE have voicemail and think it is as vital to life as breathing, sleeping, and Facebook??

REASONS I REFUSE TO SET UP VOICEMAIL:

  • I don’t check VM messages. They sit there for days, until the little icon on my screen begins to annoy me and I go through them, listening to the first 2.76 seconds of each recording (long enough to press 7 and delete it).
  • Since I don’t listen to them, when a message I am somewhat interested in comes along, I must listen to a half-dozen old messages to get to the one I want.
  • I have caller ID. If you call, I will notice the missed call and call you back. If you call and leave voicemail, I will notice the missed call and call you back. You are wasting your own time by leaving a message.
  • Texting is quicker, easier, and much less annoying than voicemail. In fact, texting is quicker, easier, and much less annoying than most phone calls. If you feel the need to contact me about something concise, please…text it. You are much more likely to be answered.

For the record…yes, I let the phone ring more often than not. There isn’t a list of logical reasons for this. I am sometimes somewhat anti-social, and answering the phone everytime it rings just goes against my nature. I will get back to you when I want to chat. Promise.

You do have a Sense of Humor…Right?

Posted: February 20, 2011 in Random Crap
Tags: , ,

Just a quick disclaimer…I am a self-proclaimed smart-ass. I don’t set out to offend anyone, but I also tend to say what’s on my mind, and I am writing this blog for myself.

If you don’t have a sense of humor, you are truly missing out on a wonderful aspect of life, and should purchase one (maybe on eBay?).

This blog is a look inside the mind of a person who has a highly creative inner dialog running at all times. The posts may not always be politically correct. If you are easily offended, you are welcome to seek another form of entertainment. May I suggest needlecraft?

~Sparky