Posts Tagged ‘playing outside’

The mommy job is all about gaining a certain number of points per day. It’s a lot like Weight Watchers…everything you do adds (or subtracts) points, and by the end of the day you need to be in a certain range to have successfully completed your day’s work as a Mommy.

You start the day with a few points to begin with, because you deserve them for just taking on the roles of:

  • Mother
  • Cook
  • Chauffer
  • Nurse (boo-boo kisser and Band-aid dispenser)
  • Party planner
  • Fashion coordinator
  • Hair stylist
  • Nose wiper
  • Maid
  • Referee
  • Activities director (and Travel agent)
  • Conscience and Voice of Reason
  • TV/DVD/Stereo/Computer fixer
  • Battery replacer
  • Librarian
  • Teacher
  • Judge and jury
  • Zookeeper

Therefore, all mommies start the day with 50 Mommy Points!

Your goal at the end of each and every day is actually up to you.

Level 1 Mommies: Stressed out mommies with multiple children, full-time jobs, and a single status are perfectly justified in their goal of not gaining points, but simply maintaining their 50 Mommy Points and making sure the kids are healthy and accounted for by the end of the day.

Level 2 Mommies: Middle of the road mommies usually end the day with about 150 Mommy Points, kids in bed drifting off with a movie, the worst of the clutter tossed into a closet, and tomorrow’s jeans in the dryer.

Level 3 Mommies: Super Mom…well, she finishes the day with 300 Mommy Points, a roast in the crock pot for tomorrow, the coffeemaker set to start brewing at the ass-crack of dawn, everyone’s outfits for tomorrow laid out and coordinated according to each other and the weather…and a perfectly pressed red cape hanging on the door ready for the next morning.

 

Here it is…the POINTS LIST!!

Good Morning!!!

Good Morning Momma!!!

Congratulations, the act of not hiding out under the sheets all day is an accomplishment! It’s a little like starting the semester with an A…you just have to keep it! Good Luck!

+50         Getting out of bed.

-50          Hiding under the covers until someone calls the authorities.

 

Starting Out:

Once you’ve made it out of bed, the day has to begin, whether you want it to or not. Here are the Mommy Points you can gain (or lose) right out of the gate.

+10         Putting on real clothes before noon.

+15         Those clothes are clean, dry, and match.

+5           Brushing your hair and teeth.

+5           Applying makeup and styling hair in something other than a messy ponytail.

+5           Getting the children dressed in real clothes before noon.

+10         Those clothes are clean, dry, and match.

+10         Children’s hair and teeth brushed.

+5           Little girls’ hair styled.

-25          Wearing PJ’s until it’s time to go back to bed at night.

-10          Limp hair tied back in a messy bun (that you put it in three days ago).

-15          Any child leaves home wearing shorts, snow boots, a sweater-vest, and a necktie.

 

Feeding Time:

Breakfast:

+5           Cereal.

+10         Instant oatmeal, cream of wheat, or malt’o’meal.

+15         Scrambled eggs.

+25         Eggs (any style BUT scrambled), pancakes or waffles, bacon or sausage, toast or biscuits.

-5            Pop-Tarts.

-10          Cookies.

-25          Drag the kids out of the cat’s food bowl and bribe into car with chocolate.

Lunch and Dinner:

+20         Home-cooked and healthy.

+10         Sandwiches and apple slices.

+5           Lunchables.

-10          McDonald’s.

-15          Chips.

-25          Mixing up the doggie bacon with the kids’ bacon.

-45          They need food?

Snacks:

+5           Fruit, raw veggies, baked chips, rice cakes, granola bars, or trail mix.

-5            Candy, cookies, cake, or anything with caffeine.

-20          Whatever they can scavenge from the yard or the neighbors kitchen.

 

Safety and Security:

+5           Playpens.

+10         Baby backpacks and carriers.

+15         Fenced yards with sandboxes and NO jungle gyms/trees/monkey-bars.

Lovin' the Great Outdoors!

+45         Going outside anytime the kids do.

+10         Helmets and pads for appropriate sports.

Floaties!

+5           Handy supply of Band-Aids.

+10         Seat belts and car-seats for any outing.

...but he IS buckled up!

+10         Jackets, gloves, hats, and other appropriate clothing when there is white stuff everywhere and you can see your breath.

+10         Sunscreen and bottled water when you step outside and start sweating.

-20          Losing a child for any amount of time.

+15         Finding that child within a few minutes (and a few miles).

-35          Not noticing you have lost a child until the police bring them back.

-10          Leaving the dog in charge, that only works in Disney homes.

A Girl and her Dog

 

Random Common (and not so common) Happenings:

+25         Time playing outside and doing things that don’t involve TV.

+15         Limiting TV to age-appropriate shows.

+10         Setting the Dish to turn to your child’s favorite show every day at the same time.

+15         Enforcing naptime.

+5           Board games and coloring.

-5            Video games (except educational…those cancel out to no loss or gain).

-20          Setting the Dish wrong, and not realizing that your child has been watching Criminal Minds or Law & Order S.V.U. every day for the last month.

+5           Considering that an educational experience and double checking the TV from now on.

+25         Your child knows how to pretend.

+30         Pretending with your child, even if it means wearing the tiara and drinking air tea.

-10          You manage to get overheard by the 4 year old when discussing how much money you should leave for a tooth…and cannot come up with a fast enough answer for “But I thought the TOOTH FAIRY left the money!?!?!?”

-35          You do the same as above, about Santa Clause.

 

Bathing:

+25         The kids go to bed clean, no matter how they got that way.

+10         Real bath with warm water and tear-free shampoo.

+5           Water toys in the tub.

+15         BUBBLES!!!

+2           Water hose in the front yard (summertime ONLY).

Swimming in a Horse Tank

-500       Toddlers and babies in a tub without you in the room. L

 

Better Home and Garden:

+25         Everyone has clean clothes every day that come from the closet or dresser clean and folded or hung.

+10         Everyone has clean clothes that come from a laundry basket or dryer.

-15          Everyone runs around naked waiting for the wash cycle.

+50         There is NOTHING sticky on any surface in the home.

+25         The house is cluttered, but relatively presentable.

+10         When company comes over, a quick tossing of random things into a closet is required, but nothing major.

-15          There are trails to get from room to room.

-25          The last time you mopped was when your water broke on the kitchen floor.

-50          You strongly suspect that there are things growing in the fridge and under the couch.

-2            Pets drink from the toilet.

-25          Kids drink from the toilet.

 

The Bedtime Routine (or lack thereof):

+25         You read a bedtime story.

+25         Pajamas and sheets are always clean.

+5           The kids get to watch TV before bed.

-5            The TV is on all night.

-10          The baby sleeps in a dresser drawer or laundry basket.

-20          Pets sleep in the kids’ rooms.

-35          You don’t know if they went to bed yet or not.

 

Okay ladies, this is by NO means an all-encompassing list, just a few guidelines that you can customize to fit your own personal needs.

Good Luck!!!

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Yeah…I am fairly sure I flashed the guy flying the spray plane over my house today. There was no crash, and he didn’t do a repeated fly-by routine, so maybe (maybe) he wasn’t looking down.

Or maybe he just wasn’t shocked to see some chick having technical difficulties with her tank top in her front yard at the house on the Back 40.

Maybe he heard the rumors that she’s crazy, and didn’t think it was abnormal...

See, living in the middle of nowhere in the new-age dust bowl has it’s advantages. I have the best tan I have had in years, thanks to the comfy teal lounge chair in the front yard and the (usually) complete and utter privacy. There are occasionally spray planes or air force contraptions that fly overhead, but these are usually too high to see much of what I am up to…and waaaayyyy too far away to know what I am drinking on some of these brutally hot days when I know I am not going anywhere anytime soon 😉

No, for those of you that took a swan dive right off into mental gutter-land, I do not lay out tanning in my birthday best! I usually go for a pair of short shorts and a thin strapped tank top. You dirty-minded people…if ANYONE comes cruising by out here claiming to have been on a scenic drive or lost you have had it. I will shoot!

Anyway…today it occurred to me that all my tank tops have different straps, and that some are placed differently than others. This results in the possibility of a white, untanned stripe of skin running alongside the strap of some of the shirts. Not cool. 

Rather than running around topless in the front yard (I do occasionally have people that show up out here unannounced, and wasn’t crazy about the idea of sunburned boobs), I decided I could just shimmy out of the straps, leaving the top more or less in place. Easy breezy, right?

Well…I didn’t take into account just how breezy it would be as a gust of wind hit just about the time I shimmied that second strap down my arm and let it go. Of course the wind couldn’t actually steal the shirt, but it did manage to add to my shimmy enough to take that whole loose-fitting shirt down into belt/sash mode.

This all occurred about the time a low-flying spray plane decided to take the shortcut from wherever he had been to wherever he was going that took him right over me.

Thanks to the fact that I had stood up from my lounge chair to get the tank situated, and the fact that I had to perform some very deliberate movements to get my arms out of the straps, I am pretty sure that from a bird’s-eye view I looked like a crazily desperate woman struggling to get her top down for the sole purpose of flashing the pilot of the little plane.

Of course I immediately grabbed the shirt and pulled it up.

Of course a plane moves fast enough that by then he was past…probably laughing at the crazy topless woman living out in the sticks.

Oh well…hope he enjoyed the show.

• Momma can reach across an 8ft dinner table and knock you out of your chair without getting out of her chair or spilling a single thing.

• A rusty nail in the foot doesn’t hurt until you see the blood. Actually, not much of anything really hurts until you see the blood.

• You will be very angry at the person who “let go” and sent you riding along happily on your first bike…as soon as you discover they let go and fall on your face. This fall will happen after you apparently rode half a block without assistance of any kind.

• Umbrellas do not make good parachutes.

• Brushing a cat’s teeth will result in an angry feline tearing through the house, foaming at the mouth, alarming any adults that aren’t fully aware of the situation.

• Cats don’t need haircuts.

• Poodles do need haircuts…but not by a 7 year old girl with safety scissors and foam hair curlers.

• Bath towels do not make good parachutes.

• Mud pies hold their shape better than sand pies. Sand pies taste better.

• Doggie biscuits are hard to chew, and don’t taste as good as sand pies. They do taste better than mud pies.

• Shampoo burns your eyes.

• If you live in a small town and get in trouble at school, your parents WILL know about it when you get home that day.

• Bed sheets do not make good parachutes.

• If you’re small, a recliner and an exercise trampoline can be transformed into a great slide.

• A waterbed makes a great raft in the middle of an imaginary ocean.

• The closet door can be left open, or left closed…it cannot be left ajar through the night. That is when the monster will be inside.

• Speaking of monsters, it is never acceptable to lay in bed with a hand or foot hanging off the edge. This is just an invitation for something to grab you and drag you under the bed.

• Anything can be made prettier with Lisa Frank stickers.

• Balloons and cats don’t mix. Neither do baths and cats. Or sprinklers and cats.

• Actually, cats are anti-social and hostile when introduced to just about anything that is not their expressed idea.

• Deflated air mattresses do not make good parachutes.

• An old semi-trailer is the perfect clubhouse.

• Fruit tastes much better when it’s stolen from someone else’s tree.

• Digging the cotton out of the side of a cotton module with a child sitting on top will result in a child buried under a layer of cotton…and at least one angry parent.

• It takes skill to eat ice cream and ride a bicycle at the same time.

• Ten helium-filled balloons tied together does not make a good parachute.

I am a terrible mom, apparently. If you look at some of the most popular and highly rated parenting websites, you will find oodles of articles and blogs about how to be the BEST parent you can be!

There are thousands of dollars worth of gadgets you HAVE TO HAVE to raise children safely. Every single cabinet and drawer must be locked down so tight that your husbands cannot get into them. The toilet must be so sealed shut that you have to decide to go to the bathroom BEFORE you really have to go, so that you have time to get into it. Cleaners must be organic and all natural, and there mustn’t be a single germ in the house anywhere! There are even articles that tell you how to sanitize sand for a sandbox!

Here are the reasons I am a BAD MOMMY:

  • My kids play outside in the dirt. I am sure that they have both eaten at least a couple of handfuls. Sure, I try to stop them…but have you ever seen those little shits move!?!
  • I call them little shits. Occasionally, I forget and call them that within earshot of their tiny ears.
  • The toilet lid is down, but not locked. My son has (more than once) came up and wiped suspiciously wet hands on my jeans. I cleaned his little hands off with a baby wipe, but I didn’t exactly freak out.
  • The kids know the best way to dry off hands is to wipe them off on jeans.
  • There is not a single cabinet lock in my house unless you count the one that was painted shut when I moved in…not sure what is back there.
  • My son kisses the cats. The cats live outside, and don’t take regular baths with antibacterial soap.
  • When my daughter was little and had a pacifier, she would occasionally drop it of the floor. In a pinch, when I was in a hurry, I popped it into my own mouth and then back into hers.
  • They have both had tea, soda, and tasted coffee.
  • They have both eaten a cracker that had been forgotten on the floor for a couple days.
  • They both fall down and get told “brush it off, you’re fine.”
  • They watch Spongebob Squarepants, Nick at Nite, and House MD.
  • My son has tried to open a bottle of Dos Equis…with a screwdriver.
  • My daughter knows that when we cross our own cattle-guard, that I don’t mind if she unbuckles her seat belt and sits up to look for animals.
  • They have both seen and heard a gun being fired.

Here are the reasons being a BAD MOMMY makes me a GOOD MOMMY:

  • Because of the dirt they play in…they have been exposed to germs. Meaning that yes, they have caught colds and the flu, but they won’t be hospitalized because their little bodies never developed an immune system.
  • They might pop out with the occasional s-word and get told that is a grown-up word…but they also hear and say “I love you.” every single day of their lives.
  • Because the cabinets and toilets aren’t locked, I don’t have to help them with every little thing they might need to get (or go)…and when we inevitably visit a place without cabinet locks, they won’t go crazy with newfound forbidden freedom.
  • My son is happy kissing the cats…and it hasn’t hurt him yet.
  • Because I don’t freak out and coddle them for every scraped knee…they are tough kids that can take a spill and get right back up. Don’t freak out…if there is blood, I fix it. I even kiss the boo-boo. Neither kid freaks out at a little blood, though…unlike those who watch their mother’s freak out at a little blood.
  • They know there are things on TV they cannot watch, and things they watch that they cannot repeat. My daughter also knows she wants to be a cop and a doctor when she grows up, instead of a fairy.
  • My son never did get that bottle open, but I was so proud of the fact that he knew to go get a tool out of the toolbox for a job he couldn’t handle. And yes…I stopped him before the bottle could hurt him in any way.
  • They will both grow up knowing gun safety, and never accidentally shoot themselves because they don’t know which end of the gun might fire.
  • My kids get hugs and kisses every day…from people, dogs, cats, and each other. The germs are probably spreading like wildfire…but so is the love.

Even though I am not a perfect parent…both my kids think I’m pretty damn cool for a mom (in fact my daughter told me that the other day…verbatim). Their sometimes snotty or drooly little kisses might have germs in them…but they’re the germs of some happy, well-rounded little kids who will grow up knowing how to take care of themselves.

Thought I’d better add an introduction for those people who live in my house. The ones who leave trails of clothes and dishes and other random crap all around my nice clean house.


Dylan.

The littlest one had his first birthday a few months ago, and pretty much rules this household. He is a tiny prince of his universe, quite sure that we are all here to serve him…and we do nothing to convince him otherwise. He loves all the animals we have running around here, and he’s always ready with a smile for anyone.

My little man and his kitties.

Cheyenne.

The middle one is almost five, and has embarked on the adventures of Pre-K school this year. She has her mother’s stubborn streak, plus some, and LOVES to dance for my videos, and pose for photos. The little drama queen asked me the other day why her shoes are not Sketchers…because “Mommy, that is the kind of shoes you HAVE to have to be cool, and don’t you want me to have friends?”

The little drama queen...

Jayson.

Then there is the biggest kid, the cop I married a few short years ago. He is stubborn and leaves his clothes in a pile beside the bed, but he is also funny and sweet, and I wouldn’t trade him for anything. He is my best friend, the one I laugh with. That, I think, just might be the secret…always laugh together.

The gun's name is Black Betty