Posts Tagged ‘OCD’

Since I have started blogging, there is one person that never never fails to read my posts, share them on Facebook, and encourage me to keep going (or kick me in the ass with a reminder that I have “neglected my duties”) more than anyone. The topic of this post was her idea and suggestion, and I decided to run with it…Thanks Susy!

The “Bucket List.” It’s a popular thing now…and mine is one of the few blogs without one. Seems everyone is making a list of what they fully intend to do and want to experience before it’s too late.

That’s not what this is.

Yeah, yeah, someday I will make a Bucket List of my own…and I will post it here for your amusement.

But this one is a little different. My list for today is going to be all the things you NEVER once thought you would do, intended NOT to do, or otherwise ended up involved in that you would never have planned on.

This isn’t exactly an Anti-Bucket List, but similar.

This is the Bucket List that Fate would have written for you with her cruel twists and gleeful cosmic jokes…

  • You will travel several states away in search of an ancient cemetery for the purpose of…well, you won’t have a good reason. You will take this 36 hour road trip on a bus with dozens of strangers. (some of my cooler relatives actually did this one)
  • You will grow up without the intention of EVER having children because you like the order and freedom of your own existence too much to share. Then you will be blessed not only with two children, but two children JUST LIKE YOU.
  • You will spend adolescence fighting with your mother about your messy room…then you will develop adult-onset OCD…and have a messy child.
  • You will overcome your shyness in one fateful night, and realize this when you wake up the morning after your twenty-first birthday party with the terrible realization that you accepted a new job the night before…as a bartender in the bar you celebrated in.
  • You will find out that the bartending job will become the most loved and long-lasting job you ever had. You will discover yourself behind that sticky bar, make some of your dearest friends, and learn more than college ever thought to teach. You will get comfortable in your own skin and come out of your shell to never go back in.
  • You will spend more on an education you will never use than you will make in any one decade of your life.
  • You will get mad at a boyfriend and pack your bags, call a cousin to come get you, and move out of the state.
  • You will find out that the cousins you fight with as children become damn good friends as adults.
  • You will not forget the people who were cruel to you in high school. You will also not forget the people who were kind.
  • You will discover that you work much better for yourself.
  • You will be a night-owl in a world of people who leap out of bed at sunup like a freaking cheerleader on crack…you will resent these people and spend your life making coffee and trying to convince them NOT to call you before noon.
  • You will discover that the only thing you need for an impromptu trip to Albuquerque (simply because you like the name and you’ve never been) is two friends, a Ford pickup with an intact radio, a giant bag of Funyuns, and someone’s boyfriend’s gas card.
  • You will discover that the return trip (from anywhere) is never as great as the trip there. Unless you took a bus, then got smart and rented a car to come home in.
  • You will have an incurable soft spot for cats. You will marry a man who is allergic to them.
  • You will bungee jump for the first time in the parking lot of a Ford Dealership from a rusty crane. Your mother won’t speak to you for a month.
  • You will learn to drive a stick shift. You will abandon the whole concept in the middle of college traffic at 5pm on a Friday in the middle of the busiest intersection in town and hitch a ride home. The owner of the extended cab, long-bed Ford dually will have to come fish his boat out of traffic himself. He will forgive you…eventually.
  • You will take out a mailbox with an 18-wheeler.
  • You will yell at inept tech-support people at AT&T, at least two bosses, and a bank manager.
  • You will throw flaming cookies out a seventh floor window after forgetting they were baking…for a couple of hours.
  • You will stand barefoot (as a child) on a fish your dad caught and talk about the “whale.” You will also tell him it’s “darker than hell” outside while sitting on the armrest of his truck.
  • You will learn to speak a foreign language well enough to start a fight.
  • You will laugh in spite of yourself the first time your child says “dammit.”
  • You will get out of speeding tickets by crying, flirting, and using the “but I really gotta pee!” excuse. Then you will marry a cop.
  • You will stash photos of a cowboy water-skiing in swim trunks and a stetson for later blackmail material. You will later exchange these photos for equally incriminating ones of yourself.
  • You will organize at least one bikini square dance.
  • You will creep through old houses at night with friends and be convinced there are ghosts.
  • You will believe in ghosts, vampires, and superstition…and not care who knows it.
  • You will get tattoos and piercings.
  • You will learn that following all the rules and doing everything “by the book” would have made you a completely different person…and you won’t regret a damn thing.

There are lots of blogs and info sites about OCD. I have tried to explain THIS concept in the past with NO luck whatsoever! I knowthe people who love me are just trying to help. I also know that sometimes, just sometimes, they think I am crazy. Maybe I am…but I know when I am being crazy.

This guy explains it all so much better than I ever could!!

Thanks to the guy who rides in cars with ducks!! 🙂


It is sometimes almost scary to be in here, and at the very least it is often quite confusing. I tend to run on several channels at once, with interference from each one creating an undertone of distracting noise on the others.

I figured I might be able to record a sample of my typical thought train and see how it looked in writing.

Ok…yes, I am bored and couldn’t think of anything brilliant to write about for the moment, so I am writing a post about nothing in particular.

I was sitting on the front steps earlier watching my son play in his sandbox with his favorite cat and found myself contemplating the energy drink in my hands. It bragged: non-carbonated, all-natural, guaranteed to quench even the “most intense thirst.”

I found myself thinking about thirst-quenching drinks and wondering why some work better than others. Tea and water, for example, work everytime…if the tea is unsweetened. Add sugar and it seems to detract from the tea’s thirst-quenching abilities. Sugary lemonade, though, can work great. So it really doesn’t make sense, since apparently the presence of sugar doesn’t really have an effect on thirst-quenching success.

That got me on a tangent of why non-carbonated beverages work so much better than carbonated ones…since you would think bubbles wouldn’t really make that much of a difference. I second-guessed myself on that one when I remembered the “crisp, clean taste of Sprite” which is carbonated, sugary as hell, and kills thirst as well as any tea or lemonade…if it’s cold. The cold vs. warm debate was not one I wanted to get into with myself, so I ignored that thought.

Speaking of thirst, I wondered…is that what it is like to be a vampire? The most thirsty you can get, where only tea or water will work, seems to burn in the back of your throat. If that is how a vampire feels, then I truly feel sorry for them. It would be horrible to not be able to turn to a huge glass of iced tea…

Furthermore, how can blood quench a thirst? It’s hot and sticky and I can’t imagine that would be a good feeling on the back of a parched throat. Would chilled blood work better? And would it somehow not be as good if they drank it from a cup with a straw? Somehow that just seems more civilized and less messy. Preferably a cup that is not clear… A lid would also be good, bloodstains suck to get out of carpet.

In Twilight, Bella drank her blood from a cup when she was pregnant with the half-vampire child. Wouldn’t that be impossible? A vampire is essentially dead…wouldn’t the sperm be well past swimming and fertilizing??

Anyway…those books (Twilight series) were so much better than the movies, even though the movies were entertaining. I liked the cast they chose for everyone except Rosalie…for some reason I didn’t think the actress was pretty enough to live up to the books’ descriptions of “the most beautiful creature anyone had ever seen.” I mean, the movie Rosalie had black eyebrows and white-blonde hair. That isn’t all that attractive on any creature. That’s just me though…I’m not really into tall blonde chicks, hehee.

Speaking of books, movies, and vampires…

Why can’t they make movies of the Anita Blake (Laurell K. Hamilton) series? Those were a hell of a lot more entertaining and imaginative than Twilight…and wouldn’t have sparked an entire nations disbelief in a sparkly vampire. Hamilton’s vampires were just as sexy as Edward Cullen any day…but they didn’t sparkle. They were too cool for that.

I liked that the were-animals in the Blake series were far more diverse than a few small-town werewolves. There are gun-toting wererats and stripper wereleopards…so much cooler!

No, I actually don’t read only about vampires…I read all kinds of things. I like crime thriller type books, and am a fan of Iris Johansen and Sandra Brown. Some of Stephen King’s stories are okay, but a little over-rated. Except Christine. Christine was probably one of my favorite books of all time. I loved that mean, jealous, bitchy car!

The movie was ok…not great. I am not usually thrilled with remakes, but that one would be a good one for the “movie people” to make a newer version of. They would have to keep the make and model of the car though…she just wouldn’t look right as a shiny new Chevy or something.

Too bad they’ve really run out of ideas for good movies. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen more than a handful of really good movies. They are all tedious and boring now. A few have been ok. The Ugly Truth was a little cheesy, but fun. How Do You Know turned out to be really good. Of course, I love Jack Nicholson…you cannot beat his sarcastic charm.

Did Robert Duvall die? I always liked him, too…he was (is?) an awesome actor. I loved his character in Lonesome Dove. I still cry everytime Gus dies. He was also pretty good in Days of Thunder.

Tom Cruise was so much better back then…when he wasn’t afraid to “act outside the proverbial box.” Interview with the Vampire…he made a great Lestat. I wonder if he is still into the whole Scientology thing, and how they felt this weekend when the world didn’t end? Were they one of the groups that were expecting us all to get snatched up out of our shoes Saturday?

Someone made a joke that the Rapture didn’t happen because God and Jesus decided it wasn’t worth the price of gas to come down at this time… I thought that was freaking hilarious, some people didn’t see the humor. I was one of the ones in favor of buying a bunch of blow-up dolls, filling them with helium, and releasing them at 6 o’clock Saturday evening to watch people freak out. I’m not exactly politically correct though.

I wish the wind would stop blowing…my daughter has been wanting to get out her slip n slide. Lately though, it would turn into a mudbath that I really don’t want to clean up. Not to mention, poor Dylan would blow away if he were on a slippery surface.

Cheyenne’s program at school is tomorrow morning, then they are going to spend a couple of days with Grandma. YAY!!! Peace and quiet!!

Maybe I will get some more done those two days…I really need to write some stuff for something other than this. Even though this is my favorite project. I also need to clean up the house. I have dishes in the dishwasher that need put away, and I have laundry that needs folded.

Those are my two biggest pet peeves…putting up clean clothes and dishes. I have no idea why, but I don’t mind washing either, but putting them away is annoying. My clothes stay in a pile most of the time until they get worn. This bugs the crap out of me sometimes, and other times I think, “who really gives a rat’s ass if they are in the closet or a basket anyway?”

I guess I answered my own question…sometimes I give a rat’s ass. Life would be so much less stressful if I could just let go of the notion that they needed to be put away neatly and let them sit in their basket. Then I wouldn’t have to put them away, but I also wouldn’t have to feel guilty because I haven’t yet.

Okay, that was over 1200 words on absolutely nothing at all, and I have better things to do. Hope you enjoyed the ride on that thought train!

My very soul is in my very failure.

I have OCD, and I have BPD. Both are me in so many ways that they cannot be taken without losing me. I am creative and passionate…and much of it is due to these flaws. I could medicate and therap-ize myself until I am “level.” But I wouldn’t want to know that boring, sunken-in-sameness person that would emerge.

I could easily rid myself of depression and lose the tendency to procrastinate. I could stop the habit of taking on 137 projects at once and finishing 3. I could stop making sure that things are grouped in odd numbers and save trees if I didn’t need to re-write my grocery list 7 times. I could hug friends and shake hands with strangers. I could fix myself into a person who doesn’t lose her temper and occasionally throw something glass into a wall.

I could… But I won’t.

Why? Because I would lose passion and the outrageous creativity that makes things I write and photograph less ordinary. I would be bored, and boring…and worse yet, I might not know or care.

Thanks but no thanks…I’ll stay crazy!! Ordinary scares me more than psychosis.

Taming Oscar: Tips on Coping with OCD

Posted: February 21, 2011 in Inside OCD
Tags: , ,

Another one from the archives that I’ve dusted off, in a sense…

I have lived with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, or OCD, for years now. If you have OCD, you know there is no stopping the tape that plays on loop in your mind. It plays like a CD on repeat in the background, no matter how loud your world gets. In these years of listening to my broken soundtrack, I have found some ways to “trick” my mind into occasional normalcy.

These are only suggestions based on my own personal trial and error…not actual medical advice.

1. Make an alternate soundtrack. I was cleaning house one day with my favorite CD turned up loud. I caught myself singing along to the music, and as I focused on the lyrics, an amazing thing happened. I was focusing on the music, and not on the ever-running checklist that usually accompanied my cleaning.

2. Give it a name.  I think of my OCD as an alternate personality inside my mind, who is uncontrollable, anti-social, and has no reflection whatsoever on my otherwise charming and sweet persona. His name is Oscar. When the OCD thoughts are really intense, I can mentally berate Oscar…it’s strangely therapuetic. Much like a kid blaming the mess on his imaginary friend!

3. Let Oscar run free on some of the little things that don’t make a difference. This is something that seems to help when I’m overwhelmed with the tiny details on every possible little thing in my universe. I pick a few small ones and let OCD take over. Shopping list? What does it hurt to recopy it a couple times so that it’s a perfect specimen of pretty penmanship? Then you have temporarily satisfied Oscar’s penchant for perfection, and can move on with washing the dishes only once while that perfectionism is, for the moment, quieted.

4. Pick up a book that you love, and have read many times, and read it again. There is comfort in knowing how it all turns out, and you can get lost in it. No surprises, no unexpected plot twists…nothing to obsess over.

5. If you obsess over all kinds of what-ifs, keep a journal of them. Write down all the possible bad scenarios. Then argue them out loud. Often, I find that once I read a fear, and hear myself point out why it’s not reasonable, I can put the fear to rest.

6. Long, hot, bubble bath. Trashy, no concentration required novel. Ice cold drink. No explanation needed. Don’t drop the book in the water…books cannot swim well.

7. Finally, give yourself a break. When I stress about OCD, Oscar is at his absolute worst. It is a never-ending cycle. So, keep this mantra, and repeat as necessary: “This is a condition, it is not me.”


Posted: February 21, 2011 in Inside OCD

Oscar cannot stand that there are only 3 posts currently on this blog. It is undone, unfinished, incomplete…unacceptable.

Oh yeah…Oscar is the name I gave to the maddening little person inside my mind who has Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. With Oscar named and personified, there is no need to blame myself or feel bad about the “obsessions.” I can just curse Oscar and all his horrid meddling.

Or maybe I am crazy.

Oh well…it really doesn’t make much of a difference to me. Crazy or not, I am a highly entertaining individual.

If you have OCD, then you know that there are some minds that play a running soundtrack of random thoughts. These thoughts are on loop, like a CD on repeat, if you will. There is no off button, and there is no pause…and the tapes cannot be erased.

Once an OCD thought is…thunk (heehee), it remains there in the mind, playing on loop, FOREVER. Some sufferers can temporarily mute these tapes with “compulsions.”

Example. You cannot get the thought out of your mind that the carpet is dirty. So you vacuum. Later, though…the same thought will begin to torture you again. So you vacuum. And so goes the “tapes on loop” of an OCD mind.

Someday, I will write about it all in detail, as it is actually a fascinating topic. However, for now, this will at least give some people a little insight.