Posts Tagged ‘family photos’

It’s that time of year again. The time the tallish minion shows up waving around the much-anticipated Little League form. Time to bust out the Barbie bat and pink glove, locate a handful of the 137 practice balls that are floating around here somewhere, and get our big girl panties on…because “there’s NO CRYING in baseball.”
That’s my mantra through March and April every year…and by May, I give up because I’m usually crying by then, too. The minion thinks that baseball is the greatest sport ever for the first few practices and about the 3rd game. Then, someone gets stung by a bee, sunburns, or gets sore and tired of running, and suddenly it’s all my fault for signing her up for baseball yet again.
THIS YEAR though, it’s going to be a whole new ballgame. Pun intended.
The smallish minion has been telling me for two years that “Momma, I big enough to play batheball.”
This year, he is finally big enough for real. And a hand-me-down Barbie bat just ain’t gonna cut it. So, I am in search of a Batman bat, which I am pretty sure they don’t make, and a smaller than extra-small glove, because the smallish minion is tiny.
He also wants real baseball pants, which I am pretty sure don’t come in toddler sizes; and cleats, which I am pretty sure would land someone in the emergency room somehow. He has allowed that in the absence of cleats, his new (smooth-bottomed) cowboy boots shall work nicely.
I’m not sure who his coach will be this year, but I hope it’s someone with the patience of a saint. I coached the last two years…and I am now braving the world of single-parenting with an extra job and an EMT class. So when I was asked to coach again, I laughed and laughed. Then I ran.
So, whoever tackles the role that resembles herding Patriot-clad cats has my respect, and my sympathy. I guess I should warn them that my son is a leftie…
BW Set 5

Just a few quick updates, since I haven’t had time to come in and ramble on about life in a while…

Not that I didn’t want to, and not that I didn’t come in here and actually start typing a few times. The problem was that it was usually in those dreamlike states that happens somewhere between 3am and the time the Climber scales the side of my bed. Apparently my creativity goes to sleep before I do.

 

So anyway…

We went crazy at the after-Halloween sale…

Costumes and accessories between a quarter and a couple of bucks resulted in the kids’ dress-up trunk overflowing with new goodies…and a lot of hilarious photos.

Poor little man was ashamed of Sister's fashion choices for him.

The only real trouble we ran into was when the Climber realized that he was “gasp” wearing a tutu in front of people.

He actually turned bright red and hid his little face in shame.

I wasn’t even aware a 2-year-old could be embarrassed.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Diva is having a ball with all her new stuff.

She’s even dressed for a ball.

Look out Madonna!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And a rock show.

And the red carpet.

And probably even a questionable strip club…bad momma.

Good thing she's not older..I would have to burn this outfit...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

But hey…the dress-up trunk is kick-ass…

He has more to choose from than just the tutu.

And even has a few boy-clothes now!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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The Climber has added a few new words and phrases to his vocabulary…

  • “Bye-Bye” (must apparently be yelled for optimal effectiveness)
  • “Nigh-Nigh” (also must be yelled)
  • “Drink”
  • “No”
  • A variation of “Kitty”
  • “Damn” (bad momma)
  • “Awwww Man!” (every time something goes bump)

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The Diva is becoming more and more of a diva. She got pushed down at school the other day…hit something sharpish (a stick, we think), and got a small owie on her tummy. Nothing some Neo-Goop and a Pixar Band-Aid can’t fix, but the story was…

“Momma!! I got pushed today…PUSHED DOWN!! It was bad. And my friend had to rescue me…she SAVED ME! Because…because…I have a HOLE IN ME!!! A HOLE! You wanna see it?”

Her friend in this story is a fellow mom who works at the school, is an EMT, is one of the sweetest moms I know, and my daughter LOVES her. I have got to remember to send that girl something baked for Christmas.

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Speaking of Christmas…is it wrong that it’s mid-November and I’m already annoyed by the already constant attacks of cheery carols and Santa movies and cinnamon EVERYTHING?

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True story…the powers-that-be at the Wal-Mart we cannot live without has apparently decided that hiding automatic air-freshener puffers in the shelves is a bang-up idea. These same idiots stocked them all with Old-Lady-Cinnamon-Baked-Crap scent.

Even better? They chose the motion-sensing scent-puffers.

So, you’re walking along the aisles, minding your own business, and every fifteen feet or so you get sprayed in the face with a nose-clogging, headache inducing fog of Cinnamon-Apple flavored chemical warfare.

Twenty minutes in there and I had a migraine, the Guru’s mood had plummeted into Just-Woken-Grizzly mode, and we’d forgotten half of what we went in there for.

Did I mention that I am allergic to anything made by Air-Wick?

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On a better note, later that night the Guru and I (having cleared the headaches in the cold West Texas wind) indulged in a movie minus the munchkins.

No kids, no curfew, adults-only DATE NIGHT…what did we go see?

Puss in Boots, of course! In 3-D.

BTW…it is an awesome movie…if you get a chance to go watch it, GO!

Ha!

I realized something terrible today…

I didn’t have enough to do on The List. At least, not enough that captured my interest, was vital to my (or my kids’) existence, or that was random enough to keep me amused for more than two minutes.

So I added a photoblog to The List.

I have actually been considering one for a few months now, and decided to go for it. So if you are interested in pictures as well as the random rants and ramblings you find here…enjoy!

Snap Happy Hippie

 

A rare sight in the hot, dry climate of the West Texas Panhandle today…

Rare Spotted Minion Foraging for Sugar and Caffeine

A Spotted Minion was found foraging for sugar-containing food and drink, wearing a shoe robbed from another, larger minion. Most forms of food and drink, and many kinds of clothing and accessories are commonly found missing after a sighting of a Minion of any kind, especially the younger ones.

Minions are cuddly creatures that love to be held and played with, and make great pets and family members. They are sometimes a handful, as they love to climb and dismantle things. They get along well with other creatures, often sighted snuggling with domestic cats and dogs. If you see one, a Minion can often be coaxed near with a handful of mini-marshmallows or a beverage with a straw.

A Sweet and Happy Critter

These creatures are scavengers, eating and drinking what they find. Some are picky, but they are almost always up for something sugary.

Spotted minions are extremely rare, and often mistaken for those of the more common species. This is because the spots are only evident in special circumstances…in this case, a sheet of pricing labels was left unattended and was taken by two minions, resulting in the appearance of spots.

There have also been sightings of Striped Minions, usually in concurrence to the disappearance of markers. Fancy Minions are often seen in stolen beads and tiaras, and are normally larger in size than this Spotted Minion seen here.

Other names for the Minion include, Little Sh*t, Buddy, Klepto-Kid, and Dammit Son

Today was one long series of unfortunate events of the sort that Jim Carrey would never survive. It began with last night’s craft project and concludes with the character Band-Aid on my ass…

Last night I took some old photo frames that were the same size and color, sanded down the sides until they all matched perfectly, and fitted them together into a frame collage. It was gorgeous, if I may say so myself, each frame was black with gold trim so together it looked pretty fancy.

In this new set of frames I placed some black and white prints of kittens in costumes that I had been saving for years that came from a calendar…many many years ago. I have not seen a calendar similar to this, ever. I was saving the prints for something special.

I proudly hung the completed piece of art in my bathroom on a blank wall that has been bugging me. As a freelance writer with two kids out on the Back 40 of Hell’s Half Acre, I don’t exactly have much money. Extra things like home decorating items and wall art are luxuries that we just can’t buy. So anytime something can be made cheap and still looks classy, we are quite delighted with it.

This morning, things went pretty much as usual, my son woke me up at the crack of dawn to dance to CMT (his favorite early-am activity). I drank coffee that took an hour to brew (Hard water = a coffee pot that drips water at the rate of a slowly leaking faucet). I fixed us all bowls of our favorite cereal (none of the three of us like the same kind on the same morning…it is apparently against some cosmic rule).

I subsequently dumped out a bowl each of Cookie Crisp, Cinnabon-Something-or-Other, and Fruity Pebbles when I discovered the milk was a little…sharp. Eggs were rejected for the fact that I had exactly two eggs, and three hungry people. The kids got Pop-Tarts, I got another cup of coffee.

After that it was back to CMT and Legos for the munchkins, and I went into the bathroom to put on makeup and do something with my hair. My son gave me two minutes to get good and into the application of my eyeliner (very black, btw), then came marching up behind me with a TV remote in hand, headed for the toilet.

I leapt across the room, screeching “Nooooo!” and saved the remote in the nick of time, while apparently drawing an impressive black stripe across my face. Unfortunately either the high-pitched noise, the sudden shudder of the room from me jumping, or karma from the last bug I squished, something managed to dislodge the nail holding up my pretty creation from last night.

The entire thing came crashing down into the bathtub, shattering into dozens of splinters of glass and wood (insult to injury: the places I glued were mostly intact). Even the photos tore just enough to render them mostly useless in the future.

My saving grace in that moment was that the entire mess was limited to the interior of the bathtub, so it was fairly easy to scoop it all out, then shake out the bath mat and rinse the tiny shards down the drain. Plus, I could do all this with the munchkins and their curious little fingers locked safely out of the room until the glass was cleared.

It also gave me a few minutes to bawl like a baby and mourn the loss of the cool wall art that I would have dragged all house-guests into the bathroom to look at for the next month.

Once all of that was done, and the rest of the morning passed without any bloodshed or major malfukulations (yea…….sound it out…..there ya go), we all trooped out to Plainview to pay a bill that was due today.

I took with me all the money I had, which was enough to pay the bill and buy the gas to get back home. I did not consider that we would be passing roughly 137 snow-cone stands and a dozen ice cream trucks on this journey in 103 degree heat (but it’s a DRY heat…ha). I couldn’t buy the treats; couldn’t even stop for my gimongous iced tea from Sonic as I had hoped. We got the bill paid and the truck back up to a quarter tank with about 17 cents to spare.

By this time, the kids were sweaty and mutinous…

The bribe I got them out of Plainview on was that it’s Tuesday…and Meemaw (my grandmother) ALWAYS goes to the pizza buffet night in Lockney, and we have a standing invitation to go eat with her each and every Tuesday. We have been doing this for over a year at least a couple times a month, and not once has she allowed us to pay for our meal. Therefore I felt fairly safe in the drive to Lockney.

Nope. This turned out to be the one Tuesday that she wasn’t home, wasn’t in town, wasn’t anywhere to be found. If looks could kill, the tiny lightning bolts flying at the back of my head from the backseat would have taken me out right there on Main Street, crashing the truck into the newly remodeled pizza place.

I pacified the kids with a trip to visit my parents (they LOVE Grandma and Papaw), and got lucky. Mom had some money she was saving for me from some of my storage stuff she’d sold for me.

Therefore, I got to feed the angry, hungry minions!

It wasn’t pizza, but Dairy Queen fries and chicken saved me from a sure overthrow of the throne tonight.

Getting back home was uneventful, as was most of the rest of the evening. The kids watched iCarly and George Lopez while I got a few things written for “work.”

My son drowned my favorite makeup brush in the bathtub and my daughter had a hissy fit because I wouldn’t let her wear a pageant dress and boots to bed. The cat scratched the smallest one for dragging him around by the tail, and the screeches that ensued scared the loopy cowdog outside. The dog howled for half an hour, and the kids went to bed mad at me…for some reason, it was all Momma’s fault, as always.

Finally…

Finally, the kids were in bed and I was alone (well, reasonably so, the kitten in the house doesn’t count). I poured a glass of bourbon and diet coke because I am NOT a glass of wine kind of girl, and I ran the bathtub full of bubbles and bath salts.

I sank into the tub and slid down…and immediately jumped back out, splashing water and bubbles all over the bathroom.

Yeah, there was a piece of glass in the bath mat that had evidently survived the cleanup efforts of the morning.

Yeah, I cut my ass cheek.

And yeah, considering that I am really not a Band-Aid kind of person, it is quite an admission for me to tell you that since the location of the cut was just so that shorts were uncomfortable, I decided to put a bandage on it.

There are dozens of bandages in my house, in every shape and size, in Tinkerbell, Hannah Montana, Cars, Toy Story, and more…lots to choose from.

I put SpongeBob on my buttcheek just for spite.

The mommy job is all about gaining a certain number of points per day. It’s a lot like Weight Watchers…everything you do adds (or subtracts) points, and by the end of the day you need to be in a certain range to have successfully completed your day’s work as a Mommy.

You start the day with a few points to begin with, because you deserve them for just taking on the roles of:

  • Mother
  • Cook
  • Chauffer
  • Nurse (boo-boo kisser and Band-aid dispenser)
  • Party planner
  • Fashion coordinator
  • Hair stylist
  • Nose wiper
  • Maid
  • Referee
  • Activities director (and Travel agent)
  • Conscience and Voice of Reason
  • TV/DVD/Stereo/Computer fixer
  • Battery replacer
  • Librarian
  • Teacher
  • Judge and jury
  • Zookeeper

Therefore, all mommies start the day with 50 Mommy Points!

Your goal at the end of each and every day is actually up to you.

Level 1 Mommies: Stressed out mommies with multiple children, full-time jobs, and a single status are perfectly justified in their goal of not gaining points, but simply maintaining their 50 Mommy Points and making sure the kids are healthy and accounted for by the end of the day.

Level 2 Mommies: Middle of the road mommies usually end the day with about 150 Mommy Points, kids in bed drifting off with a movie, the worst of the clutter tossed into a closet, and tomorrow’s jeans in the dryer.

Level 3 Mommies: Super Mom…well, she finishes the day with 300 Mommy Points, a roast in the crock pot for tomorrow, the coffeemaker set to start brewing at the ass-crack of dawn, everyone’s outfits for tomorrow laid out and coordinated according to each other and the weather…and a perfectly pressed red cape hanging on the door ready for the next morning.

 

Here it is…the POINTS LIST!!

Good Morning!!!

Good Morning Momma!!!

Congratulations, the act of not hiding out under the sheets all day is an accomplishment! It’s a little like starting the semester with an A…you just have to keep it! Good Luck!

+50         Getting out of bed.

-50          Hiding under the covers until someone calls the authorities.

 

Starting Out:

Once you’ve made it out of bed, the day has to begin, whether you want it to or not. Here are the Mommy Points you can gain (or lose) right out of the gate.

+10         Putting on real clothes before noon.

+15         Those clothes are clean, dry, and match.

+5           Brushing your hair and teeth.

+5           Applying makeup and styling hair in something other than a messy ponytail.

+5           Getting the children dressed in real clothes before noon.

+10         Those clothes are clean, dry, and match.

+10         Children’s hair and teeth brushed.

+5           Little girls’ hair styled.

-25          Wearing PJ’s until it’s time to go back to bed at night.

-10          Limp hair tied back in a messy bun (that you put it in three days ago).

-15          Any child leaves home wearing shorts, snow boots, a sweater-vest, and a necktie.

 

Feeding Time:

Breakfast:

+5           Cereal.

+10         Instant oatmeal, cream of wheat, or malt’o’meal.

+15         Scrambled eggs.

+25         Eggs (any style BUT scrambled), pancakes or waffles, bacon or sausage, toast or biscuits.

-5            Pop-Tarts.

-10          Cookies.

-25          Drag the kids out of the cat’s food bowl and bribe into car with chocolate.

Lunch and Dinner:

+20         Home-cooked and healthy.

+10         Sandwiches and apple slices.

+5           Lunchables.

-10          McDonald’s.

-15          Chips.

-25          Mixing up the doggie bacon with the kids’ bacon.

-45          They need food?

Snacks:

+5           Fruit, raw veggies, baked chips, rice cakes, granola bars, or trail mix.

-5            Candy, cookies, cake, or anything with caffeine.

-20          Whatever they can scavenge from the yard or the neighbors kitchen.

 

Safety and Security:

+5           Playpens.

+10         Baby backpacks and carriers.

+15         Fenced yards with sandboxes and NO jungle gyms/trees/monkey-bars.

Lovin' the Great Outdoors!

+45         Going outside anytime the kids do.

+10         Helmets and pads for appropriate sports.

Floaties!

+5           Handy supply of Band-Aids.

+10         Seat belts and car-seats for any outing.

...but he IS buckled up!

+10         Jackets, gloves, hats, and other appropriate clothing when there is white stuff everywhere and you can see your breath.

+10         Sunscreen and bottled water when you step outside and start sweating.

-20          Losing a child for any amount of time.

+15         Finding that child within a few minutes (and a few miles).

-35          Not noticing you have lost a child until the police bring them back.

-10          Leaving the dog in charge, that only works in Disney homes.

A Girl and her Dog

 

Random Common (and not so common) Happenings:

+25         Time playing outside and doing things that don’t involve TV.

+15         Limiting TV to age-appropriate shows.

+10         Setting the Dish to turn to your child’s favorite show every day at the same time.

+15         Enforcing naptime.

+5           Board games and coloring.

-5            Video games (except educational…those cancel out to no loss or gain).

-20          Setting the Dish wrong, and not realizing that your child has been watching Criminal Minds or Law & Order S.V.U. every day for the last month.

+5           Considering that an educational experience and double checking the TV from now on.

+25         Your child knows how to pretend.

+30         Pretending with your child, even if it means wearing the tiara and drinking air tea.

-10          You manage to get overheard by the 4 year old when discussing how much money you should leave for a tooth…and cannot come up with a fast enough answer for “But I thought the TOOTH FAIRY left the money!?!?!?”

-35          You do the same as above, about Santa Clause.

 

Bathing:

+25         The kids go to bed clean, no matter how they got that way.

+10         Real bath with warm water and tear-free shampoo.

+5           Water toys in the tub.

+15         BUBBLES!!!

+2           Water hose in the front yard (summertime ONLY).

Swimming in a Horse Tank

-500       Toddlers and babies in a tub without you in the room. L

 

Better Home and Garden:

+25         Everyone has clean clothes every day that come from the closet or dresser clean and folded or hung.

+10         Everyone has clean clothes that come from a laundry basket or dryer.

-15          Everyone runs around naked waiting for the wash cycle.

+50         There is NOTHING sticky on any surface in the home.

+25         The house is cluttered, but relatively presentable.

+10         When company comes over, a quick tossing of random things into a closet is required, but nothing major.

-15          There are trails to get from room to room.

-25          The last time you mopped was when your water broke on the kitchen floor.

-50          You strongly suspect that there are things growing in the fridge and under the couch.

-2            Pets drink from the toilet.

-25          Kids drink from the toilet.

 

The Bedtime Routine (or lack thereof):

+25         You read a bedtime story.

+25         Pajamas and sheets are always clean.

+5           The kids get to watch TV before bed.

-5            The TV is on all night.

-10          The baby sleeps in a dresser drawer or laundry basket.

-20          Pets sleep in the kids’ rooms.

-35          You don’t know if they went to bed yet or not.

 

Okay ladies, this is by NO means an all-encompassing list, just a few guidelines that you can customize to fit your own personal needs.

Good Luck!!!

People always chuckle and shake their heads at me when I compare my children (especially my son) to little monkeys. They seem to think I say it from nothing but a humorous standpoint, and that the little angels these two present to the public world couldn’t possibly be anything like a wild animal, much less an uncouth primate with climbing skills.

Peekaboo!

Boy are they wrong! These two have the wool pulled over everyone’s eyes with those innocent little smiles and puppy-dog eyes.

Why monkeys? Well, they do have opposable thumbs. Wait, that IS a word! Apparently not, according to my spell checker…maybe I made that one up.

Anyway, the little creatures cling to my neck with skinny arms and sticky fingers, one often wears nothing but a diaper, and their hair is always unruly (although they are flea-free). They also climb anything that stays still long enough, and swing from things by hands or feet.

All they need is a tail.

My son achieved his first climbing coup very soon after his first string of more than three walking steps without holding onto a coffee table. Somewhere between stringing together three steps and walking into another room, he mastered climbing on top of the coffee table…followed shortly by “falling” onto the couch across the small gap between the two.

This acrobatic trick was always followed by a burst of giggles that made any form of discipline nearly impossible. You just cannot make “No!” sound forceful enough when you’re giggling yourself (and trying not to shake the video camera-phone)!

That wasn’t the trick that earned him his Monkey Status, though. My little guy became an official Chimp-Kid the other day…

My daughter’s bedroom has a bunk-bed in it; a currently ladder-less bunk-bed. It is for company, relatives, slumber parties, etc. Meaning for a normal day or night, the top bunk is forbidden territory (yes, I know this is just asking for trouble, but I haven’t gotten around to chopping the bed in half yet, ok??). Hence, NO ladder.

My daughter earned her monkey badge a while back by climbing onto that bed, but it was expected. She was four, and very tall for her age…and had actually been allowed up there on occasion when we had extra people staying over. No problem.

Last week though, I was bopping around the house to some music, when I entered her room (she was at Grandma’s) and saw something unusual. Actually, the rarity was in what I DIDN’T see. Tiny Man had just went into that room, I was right there…and he wasn’t in there! I glanced around wondering where in the heck he could possibly hide when I heard the giggle.

The giggle from ABOVE.

Yep, the little monkey was perched on top of the bunk bed with a big grin and a Barbie doll. I do wish I had a video of how it happened, because the only thing close was his police car, a ride-in/push-around car with a dome canopy. Tall enough to reach his destination, but it ROLLS! It was pulled up next to the bed, with a smaller Lion Car next to it, and a plastic baby-wipe box next to that. Apparently he made himself a series of “steps” to get where he wanted to go.

Now I don’t feel so bad about calling the playpen his Monkey Cage when he was littler…unless maybe I jinxed myself with that one… Let’s just hope he doesn’t start throwing poop :-\

Oops! Hi Mom!!

This is why I often look back on the day and realize I didn’t get a damn thing done that I wanted to…

But…isn’t he adorable?  😉

Thought I’d better add an introduction for those people who live in my house. The ones who leave trails of clothes and dishes and other random crap all around my nice clean house.


Dylan.

The littlest one had his first birthday a few months ago, and pretty much rules this household. He is a tiny prince of his universe, quite sure that we are all here to serve him…and we do nothing to convince him otherwise. He loves all the animals we have running around here, and he’s always ready with a smile for anyone.

My little man and his kitties.

Cheyenne.

The middle one is almost five, and has embarked on the adventures of Pre-K school this year. She has her mother’s stubborn streak, plus some, and LOVES to dance for my videos, and pose for photos. The little drama queen asked me the other day why her shoes are not Sketchers…because “Mommy, that is the kind of shoes you HAVE to have to be cool, and don’t you want me to have friends?”

The little drama queen...

Jayson.

Then there is the biggest kid, the cop I married a few short years ago. He is stubborn and leaves his clothes in a pile beside the bed, but he is also funny and sweet, and I wouldn’t trade him for anything. He is my best friend, the one I laugh with. That, I think, just might be the secret…always laugh together.

The gun's name is Black Betty