Posts Tagged ‘bugs’

If anyone needs a laugh, this guy is really really funny.

…and makes me want a gecco. Maybe a gecco would eat the scorpions that the Minion’s cat doesn’t get to first?

Which reminds me, later today when I have more that 2 minutes at a stretch, I will tell you all about our New Oldish Ghost Cat and what might have become of the Darkness.

Yes. I typed that right. And no, it isn’t supposed to make sense. 😉

You’ll see.


Apparently I did piss off the Scorpion King…

The other morning I woke up to my daughter’s unmistakable “oh dear…MOOOOOOMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!”

That is the alarm bell that is real…not the one that you hear when her brother steals a crayon, turns off the TV, or drinks the last of her orange soda. This cry of alarm is the one you hear when there is a wasp attacking her head, she is actually bleeding, or the dog has knocked her down…OR when there is a scorpion lying in wait just inside the door to the microwave in her play-kitchen.

The last one is what happened this time, the evil little bastard was just sitting in there alone on the beige plastic. Evidently the tiny microwave-shaped compartment just looked and felt like a homey new place for a scorpion nest. Probably a better bet than the hand-sprayer on my water-hose, but if you read the post about that one I’m sure you jumped to the same conclusion I have.

I did piss off the Scorpion King and I am being visited in ten-fold scorpion karma.

If it were the one incident I could shrug it off and say maybe coincidence (although I don’t truly believe in coincidence), but that hasn’t been the only tiny minion of hell that’s been hanging around.

A few days ago I interrupted one on his disturbingly militant march across the carpet in my bedroom, where the carpet was installed with them in mind…the tan on taupe mottled colors match the pattern and coloring of the back of the scorpions perfectly. Seriously, I could not use paint sample cards from a hardware store and come up with a better match! This one was marching purposefully towards the bed and I saw the slight movement of what looked like a carpet design.

This one got sprayed with Sevin…a few drops, because I realized I was out of that and he got shot with BugStop. The combination of the two made him drunk, he began to weave and bob as though attempting to avoid those carpet spots that looked so like him. Hell maybe he was drunk and thought he was weaving through a crowd of his evil little friends. I’m sure that the fact that we laughed at his drunken journey means that the scorpion karma is going to be even worse. He got put out of his poisoned misery with a watery burial in the toilet.

The one this morning is the one that has me convinced of my pre-determined haunting, though. If nothing else, it served as a great lesson to me and my daughter both, in the shaking and checking of any article of clothing before putting it onto your body…she was an up-close and personal witness to this attack.

I grabbed a pair of jeans from the bathroom floor where I had tossed them before I bathed, and proceeded to pull them on while I chattered with Cheyenne about something mundane (I think we were trying to recall all the lyrics to a Taylor Swift song). She reached and pointed about the time I noticed the little wad of hair or string on the jeans I was pulling on. She giggled and said she saw it and was going to get it for me…about the time it began shimmying up the leg of the jeans. I squealed like a girl and began shimmying the pants down my legs, and the race was on!

I won the race, thank goodness, there were no places easily accessible from his position that I would have cared to be stung at that moment. The scorpion and the jeans were quickly abandoned in a heap on the floor while I tiptoed into the hall for the pliers. For some reason critters scaring the daylights out of me causes an instant ninja-mode and I can’t move without tiptoeing.

Cheyenne had hit a ninja-mode of her own and made it onto the bathroom counter in a single bound. I was proud, she did it without knocking over a single thing and without the bruises on the butt that I had after my last leap of faith (from the snake…previous post). She didn’t even lose her flip-flops!!

Anyway, this scorpion followed his buddies down the toilet after I found him and grabbed his tail with the pliers. I briefly considered the Bugstop, but it was a clean (other than the scorpion apparently) pair of jeans and I hate laundry sooo much!

Y’know…I really hope scorpions can’t swim…

No one answer that, I think I want to remain blissfully and willfully ignorant on that one as I continue to flush the evil bastards.

One down, 837,000 to go, I’m sure.

Scorpions that is…the first one of the year, if you don’t count the one I rousted from his winter nest inside my hand-sprayer in the front yard. I’m not counting that one, though. He wasn’t much of a threat anyway, considering the many cold floods I gave his residence before I figured out why the sprayer wouldn’t…well…spray. By the time I diagnosed the issue, the thing was missing a couple of legs, one pincher-thingy, and it’s tail/stinger/weapon attachment was kinda crooked over to one side and twitching.

Well, crap.

I bet I pissed off the Scorpion King.

It’s going to be a long year, if that’s the case…and would explain why I found one of the evil creatures in the kitchen just now in April, when I didn’t see a single one last year until sometime around July, maybe even August.

Speaking of freaking out about things…okay, I wasn’t freaking out, but…

Never-mind, I’m just going to change channels.

I completely freaked out tonight…and if you know me, I’m really not the type to freak out. Except for clowns and centipedes…but everyone has their phobias.

Anyway, I was on the phone with my husband…sitting at my desk in the living room. TV is on with the volume low, the kids are asleep with their TV turned down low…and a woman yells something from somewhere in the direction of my bedroom.

Instant ninja-mode…I creep through the house (after whispering the problem to my husband), finding nothing. I finally find the culprit in the scanner I had left on, I was hearing a dispatcher.

…aaaannnnddddd my husband has to ask the question. “Got your gun?”

For the sake of honesty, (because I REALLY wanted to say, “Of course, locked and loaded,” or something equally cool and cavalier), I answered with the truth, “Nope, flashlight.”

Silence…followed by the voice he gets when he’s trying (unsuccessfully) to mask amusement, “In the house? With all the lights on? With guns, knives, at least one bat…?”

“Yes, dammit! With all the available weapons in the house with me…within reach…I veered out of my way to get the freaking flashlight, okay? MY ninja-mode requires lots of light, thankyouverymuch!!”

After I hang up the phone, still slightly freaked (not that I would have admitted it) but calmer, I sit down at the desk again. It is quiet. The scanner is off. A toy in the basket across the room (that I had jostled coming back to the living room) begins singing the Wheels on the Freaking Bus.

And so, here I sit typing with a pistol in the desk drawer, and a child’s toy (probably singing) somewhere in the front yard.

I married a man who shrieks like a little girl and does the freaky dance if he walks through a spiderweb. This is the same man who wears kevlar and carries an M-something-or-other on his shoulder, a pistol on his side, and a knife in his boot. Gun-wielding psychopaths are no match for him, but a single strand of silk will bring him to his knees.

A wasp can extract almost the same reaction in this tough man…minus the shrieking, with more arm-waving. If we didn’t share this ranch with a population of roughly eight thousand wasps, it might have escaped my notice for a few more years.

Unfortunately, we live in a place where the bugs were (at some point in history) exposed to radioactive chemicals that gave them super powers.

The scorpions glow under a black light. Seriously. They also play dead if you poke them with a stick.

The spiders average the size of my closed fist, and can create a web that might actually stop a man in his tracks…they certainly have an effect on cops.

We have a few mosquitoes…they don’t bother me too much, they think my husband is skeeter-candy, though. More than those, we have what I grew up calling Mosquito-Hawks. I don’t know if that is a name I made up as a child or an actual reference, but they are basically giant mosquitoes. They fit right in with our overly-healthy arthropod/arachnid population.

Porcupines actually do shoot quills from their nether regions with the flexing of a muscle. I did not believe this, and dismissed it as an old wives’ tale until I actually witnessed the hissy fit that ensued from Officer Spiderman and his gun.

There are still some who don’t believe the centipede I found one day was ten inches long and had a red head. These same people actually saw the aftermath…I moved EVERYTHING out of my house in one afternoon. Seriously folks, I wouldn’t have done that for some little bug! …still never found the damn thing.

I am deathly afraid of centipedes. And clowns.These are actual phobias that will make me stop breathing for a space of time. People who love me don’t torture me with these things, people who grow to love me learn quickly that it’s not like jumping around a corner with a Scream mask on…it’s not a funny prank to pull.

Spiders, snakes, mice, and porcupines I can handle, and my husband is pretty good about exterminating any centipedes and scorpions we run across, and I take care of the things that can attack from above.

At least I don’t have to worry about bad guys…when someone breaks into the house, I get to be the one that screams like a girl.