Archive for the ‘Munchkins, Minions, Hellions…’ Category

Road trips with minions are never boring….hair-raising, loud, and stressful maybe, but never boring. The tallish minion and I have come up with a game. When we’re in the car for a long time, we work on our dream house.

Our dream house is entirely made up, and we decided that if we ever win the lottery, this is what we will build. Every trip we add rooms, colors, decorations, pets, and anything else we can come up with.

It’s going to be a rainbow of color, because we just can’t agree on anything. Since there are so many rooms, it is a sprawling structure with several wings. There will be a lime and black zebra wall, a turquoise wall, and an entirely mirrored wall, as well as sides of every other jewel-tone there is. Hot pink trim will grace the entire thing…which includes turrets.

Inside will be rooms to suit any taste, and we will rent them out like a hotel. When you book a room, you don’t book by a number, you book by style. Victorian Powder Room, anyone?

The minion has a few rooms added that will take some ingenuity. A treehouse room that has to be an actual treehouse is on the list. A treehouse with access to the rest of the house by slide, zipline, and rope ladder.

There will be two ballrooms. One of the traditional kind, for dancing, modeled (of course) after Beauty and the Beast, Disney version. Another will be a ballroom in the literal sense. No furniture, the entire room will be a ball pit. Plastic colored balls. With a disco ball chandelier, round mirrors on every wall, and port-hole windows. The walls in here will be yellow with pink polka-dots.

Of course there will be an indoor pool, shaped like a crescent moon, and a star-shaped hot-tub. The gym will have all the traditional equipment, except in neon colors. A ballet barre will line one wall, and a gymnastics mat will stretch through the center.

The playground room will be just like it sounds. Think McDonald’s, without the creepy clown and the hamburger dude.

I have (silently) decided on a fully stocked bar. A gameroom will probably go well with that.

The minions both voted for a movie theater.

The list of pets is almost as long as the list of rooms. There will be ferrets and flying squirrels, one naked cat, a team of huskies, fainting pygmy goats, and ponies. Outside there will be a small zoo with ring-tailed lemurs, a few monkeys, and a Zebra named Zed.

One wall of the kitchen will be the side of the salt-water aquarium with the dolphins. They will be trained to let the minions ride, and they won’t eat fish…that would be “soo friggin’ gross.”

The whole structure must be on stilts, since we took a trip to Corpus and the tallish minion became fascinated by the houses on sticks.

I’ve decided that this is all feasible. I just need to win the lottery a few times, get a fairy godmother, and find some magic beans.

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My son has a radar…

There is apparently a silent alarm that goes off somewhere in his little head when the following happens:

  • Mommy sits at the computer
  • Mommy has a deadline looming in the very near future
  • Mommy thinks he is asleep and runs a bath
  • Mommy kisses daddy

This alarm sounds and immediately spurs him into action…it is suddenly time to either have a walleyed hissy fit or climb something. If the alarm sounds after bedtime, it is his cue to come running out of his room like a banshee on cocaine, careening across the hardwood driving a popcorn popper machine with an Easter bucket on his head.

This is what I deal with every minute of every day…even “at work.”

…an amazing occurrence, considering that both are hidden at least 5 feet from the floor every night as a part of the bedtime ritual. The bedtime ritual that includes 4 hugs, 3 “I lub you’s”, and 2 kisses on each cheek (ours and his).

The Deadline Radar is the worst, especially considering that my “office” is in the living room. Working from home is great in theory, and to those who argue that I “am so lucky” are right in that I don’t have to pay $45 a day for childcare. However, have you ever tried to complete a college-level essay on dental procedures with a two-year-old IN the chair behind you, drawing on your neck with a Sharpie and playing Angry Birds on your ringing cell phone?

It’s no wonder I’m crazy…

Any of you work from home? What are your coping mechanisms?

There are a few things that They forgot to tell me about having a kid in school. Now that my oldest minion is in first grade, the school supply list is apparently an important thing…and quite specific. They also neglected to mention that as fun as school supply shopping sounds, it’s not for the faint of heart.

By the way, They are the same They who forgot to send home my owner’s manual when I left the hospital with my newborn minions…

A few days ago, I took my daughter shopping for school supplies…realizing too late that I’d arrived at Wal-Mart at 5pm on a Friday, and not just any Friday but the last one of the month a week after school supply lists were released.

So I was in Wally World with a few thousand other people on the same mission I was. I stood in a knot of people vying for the last Batman Backpack, thanking the powers that be for giving me a girl…there was an abundance of Hello Kitty.

She was worried about being the only child in class without all the “right” stuff. It reminded me of a conversation I’d had with her midway through Pre-K, where she informed me that she needed some Sketchers. I’d replied that she had tons of shoes in every style imaginable.

“But MOM,” she wailed, “do you WANT me to have no friends!?”

I was catapulted back in time to somewhere in junior high to the day I realized I was the only one in class without the socially-required shiny new Trapper Keeper. She got the Sketchers, and I’ve wondered since why that particular Tween-angst vice had to start so early.

Couldn’t they wait until junior high or even high school to start worrying about these things??

Thanks to my own sympathy in the situation, we spent two hours in Wal-Mart last week, searching out the perfect supplies. Who knew that something as simple as a spiral notebook would require ten minutes of pondering what might be coolest this year?

I spent a couple minutes explaining to some clueless woman that the “2 8CT Crayons” on her list meant “two boxes of crayons that have 8 in EACH box” and not some special new-age Crayola 2.0 that the stores must have sold out of.

I dodged 6 children under the age of 4 (Where is your mother!?), and one Yorkie (Seriously, in Wal-Mart?).

There’s a bruise on my hip from the third shopping-cart hit-and-run.

Half my paycheck disappeared across a pile of supplies that I can’t imagine are absolutely necessary. I mean, come on…zip-lock bags have been on the list since Pre-K, and my child has come home with something in a baggie maybe twice. 20 or so kids in class, the boxes all contain around 20 bags, so what are these teachers doing with the 400 zip-lock bags each year???

I also learned an important lesson. When it was all over, and I was scrubbing my hands with Germ-X in the parking lot and wishing I had bought some aspirin, I looked over at my daughter’s beaming face and realized something…it was totally worth it.

 

Originally printed (by me!!!) in the Briscoe County News.

www.briscoecountynewsonline.com

My son’s shoes are broken. There are rocks in them.

The sippy cups? Broken…the lids are off and they are empty.

His hot chocolate (“chocky”)? Broken…it is too hot.

His sister? Broken…she dared to take Puss in Boots out of the DVD player and replace it with <gasp!> Cinderella.

No, I am not staying up late smoking crack, and there is no Red Bull in my coffee.

I am referring to my son’s newest (and new favorite) word, “broken.” Anything and everything that is not in its usual state of being is now “broken.”

Pudding on a shirt, a recliner with the footrest extended, a TV that changes channels (according to DVR presets), me when I’m on the phone and ignoring him…all broken.

I actually like the concept.

My house is no longer messy or cluttered…it’s just broken!!

This video has been a hit all over Facebook and probably everywhere else on the web today. I had to share it because I think I found my new Parenting-Idol.

This man needed a way to get through to and make a point to his rebellious teenage daughter…something that would wake her up and maybe, just maybe, teach her a bit of respect.

He succeeded.

This is an awesome video…If you have a teenager, or an almost-teenager, tie them to the chair and make them watch this all the way through to the end.

I must say that I would never have thought of this approach, but when my kids are teenagers I will certainly leave this as a possibility.

While most comments I’ve read are from people who wildly approve, there are a few who think it was too extreme…

For those…

  • This man found a way to discipline his daughter without any form of abuse.
  • Grounding her and taking away said laptop apparently didn’t work…he tried less extreme avenues of getting through to her.
  • Teenagers are notoriously bull-headed and sometimes need a wake-up call. I know I did.
  • She publicly humiliated, berated, and disrespected her parents…the punishment should be equally public. I think this was fair and very “eye-for-an-eye.”
  • The girl deserved an ass-beating…this was mild. 😉

So, that said….Go Laptop-Shooting-Dad!

There were also some great comments and insights in a public interview on Super-Dad’s facebook page. He answers some questions about why he did this, what message he intended to send out, and other things. It’s also definitely worth reading…the interview was apparently done by the Toronto Star…

http://www.facebook.com/tommyjordaniii

The Climber found his own personal Utopia today in the form of a high school gym…

I got brave and took him and The Diva to a JV girls’ basketball game. I was actually intending to work, taking some kick-ass photos to send in for the paper I work for.

Turned out I was being a bit ambitious…my goal should have been to just have living breathing minions of which I knew an approximate location for by the last buzzer.

The Guru was busy, and I wanted to see my cousin (the minions’ beloved Aunt Koko) play ball. So I packed up the camera, some pull-ups and back-up pants, and the shortish ones, and off we went.

We joined some relatives and things went smoothly for about 4 minutes…until the Climber got bored with the folding seats that he discovered would swallow his narrow butt at will.

I’m still thanking The Man for the fact that it was a JV game, meaning there wasn’t a huge crowd, and that we were sitting near one end where the minions had a few empty bleachers to terrorize.

I am NOT thankful that Aunt Koko’s mother brought her video camera…

I’m pretty sure these snippets will surface on Facebook to haunt me for years to come…

  • A glance to the side that reveals an upside-down trashcan weaving along the second steps towards us seemingly propelled by two familiar little shoes.
  • Audio of my voice yelling “NO”, “Come back”, “I will SKIN your HIDE,” and my personal favorite…”This video surfaces and I will BEAT your ass.”
  • Me carrying the Climber back UP the stairs…about 17 times.
  • There is a barred barrier on the end of the bleachers (thank you God and coaches), and there is now a video of me shaking and leaning against every bar to make sure it could stand up to a possible attack of 23 pounds of fast-moving child.
  • the Climber making a great inchworm impression.
  • Him stealing a sip from someone’s unattended beverage. Sorry Sir.
  • Him waving and yelling “Bye-Bye” (and grinning oh-so-charmingly) to about twenty strangers.
  • At least one drop-to-the-ground-dying-slug impression when I stopped his umpteenth escape attempt.

All in all, I think I got about 4 decent photos of the game…and no, I don’t have a clue what the score was.

I’m wondering what my son is going to think in the morning when he wakes up and discovers he has Sharpie marks around the fingers of his left hand…

Yes…Sharpie. The permanent marker that I have forbidden both my children from touching because they are…well…permanent. Sort-of.

See, I was working on taking some photos of completed craft projects from my kids Krafty Kits.

Since the Climber is too little to make his projects on his own, I’ve been putting them together for him, and then letting the Diva use them as examples to make her own. The Climber “redecorates” his quite happily while she works.

Everyone wins.

This time, though, I decided to go ahead and get December’s projects ready to photograph so that my mom could use them for advertising.

I decided this while the kids were fast asleep.

Everything was going great, I was channeling my inner child while the Guru watched Storage Wars and plotted the demise of the competition at the next auction we attend…until I got to the cute little googly-eyed Rudolf in the Kit.

Rudolf with his stolen-handprint antlers.

The googly-eyed Rudolf that requires the shape of tiny hands to create his antlers…

I stared for a moment at my own hand while contemplating my free-style drawing ability. Neither possibility was going to be flattering for the foam reindeer.

In a flash of inspiration and with my semi-willing accomplice in tow, I snuck into the kids’ room armed with a piece of paper and a marker.

Tip-toing in time to the SpongeBob theme song playing softly in the background, I crept to my son’s bed and eased his little hand out from under Raffe (stuffed giraffe that MUST accompany bed and nap times).

There in the dark, with my husband holding the paper and trying to get the limp little hand to lay flat on the paper that was shaking from his almost-silent laughter, I snickered my way through a rough outline of a little hand. The whole thing was ridiculous and we kept cracking up in those stage-whispers that are always somehow deafening in a quiet room.

About the time the Climber stirred and re-claimed his hand to grab Raffe again, we couldn’t hold the laughter anymore and had to bolt.

After laughing in the hall for a few minutes, I had a thought that sent me into hysterics again. I couldn’t explain what was so funny because I couldn’t breathe!!

The only answer was to grab a flashlight and creep back into Never-land to show him what was so much funnier than our secret mission had been.

Sure enough, there wrapped around Raffe’s neck, was the tiny hand…each finger with a line of black around the edge.

I sort-of expect to wake up in the morning and discover that my son has added “what the hell???” to his growing vocabulary…

Just a few quick updates, since I haven’t had time to come in and ramble on about life in a while…

Not that I didn’t want to, and not that I didn’t come in here and actually start typing a few times. The problem was that it was usually in those dreamlike states that happens somewhere between 3am and the time the Climber scales the side of my bed. Apparently my creativity goes to sleep before I do.

 

So anyway…

We went crazy at the after-Halloween sale…

Costumes and accessories between a quarter and a couple of bucks resulted in the kids’ dress-up trunk overflowing with new goodies…and a lot of hilarious photos.

Poor little man was ashamed of Sister's fashion choices for him.

The only real trouble we ran into was when the Climber realized that he was “gasp” wearing a tutu in front of people.

He actually turned bright red and hid his little face in shame.

I wasn’t even aware a 2-year-old could be embarrassed.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Diva is having a ball with all her new stuff.

She’s even dressed for a ball.

Look out Madonna!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And a rock show.

And the red carpet.

And probably even a questionable strip club…bad momma.

Good thing she's not older..I would have to burn this outfit...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

But hey…the dress-up trunk is kick-ass…

He has more to choose from than just the tutu.

And even has a few boy-clothes now!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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The Climber has added a few new words and phrases to his vocabulary…

  • “Bye-Bye” (must apparently be yelled for optimal effectiveness)
  • “Nigh-Nigh” (also must be yelled)
  • “Drink”
  • “No”
  • A variation of “Kitty”
  • “Damn” (bad momma)
  • “Awwww Man!” (every time something goes bump)

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The Diva is becoming more and more of a diva. She got pushed down at school the other day…hit something sharpish (a stick, we think), and got a small owie on her tummy. Nothing some Neo-Goop and a Pixar Band-Aid can’t fix, but the story was…

“Momma!! I got pushed today…PUSHED DOWN!! It was bad. And my friend had to rescue me…she SAVED ME! Because…because…I have a HOLE IN ME!!! A HOLE! You wanna see it?”

Her friend in this story is a fellow mom who works at the school, is an EMT, is one of the sweetest moms I know, and my daughter LOVES her. I have got to remember to send that girl something baked for Christmas.

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Speaking of Christmas…is it wrong that it’s mid-November and I’m already annoyed by the already constant attacks of cheery carols and Santa movies and cinnamon EVERYTHING?

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True story…the powers-that-be at the Wal-Mart we cannot live without has apparently decided that hiding automatic air-freshener puffers in the shelves is a bang-up idea. These same idiots stocked them all with Old-Lady-Cinnamon-Baked-Crap scent.

Even better? They chose the motion-sensing scent-puffers.

So, you’re walking along the aisles, minding your own business, and every fifteen feet or so you get sprayed in the face with a nose-clogging, headache inducing fog of Cinnamon-Apple flavored chemical warfare.

Twenty minutes in there and I had a migraine, the Guru’s mood had plummeted into Just-Woken-Grizzly mode, and we’d forgotten half of what we went in there for.

Did I mention that I am allergic to anything made by Air-Wick?

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On a better note, later that night the Guru and I (having cleared the headaches in the cold West Texas wind) indulged in a movie minus the munchkins.

No kids, no curfew, adults-only DATE NIGHT…what did we go see?

Puss in Boots, of course! In 3-D.

BTW…it is an awesome movie…if you get a chance to go watch it, GO!

WOW…

My kids have a LOT of crap. I knew this, but it didn’t really sink in until I waded in there yesterday armed with a box marked “garage sale” and a trash bag.

I came out four hours later with 5 garage sale boxes, 4 FULL trashbags, and a box of the dishes that I’ve been searching for.

I found treasure, trash, and things that made me go “hmmm…”

Best in Treasures:

  • 6 HotWheels that we thought were gone for good
  • 2 Barbies…sans clothing
  • A Barbie leg…that did not match the above-mentioned Barbies
  • My favorite coffee mug
  • 9 socks
  • A tennis shoe, a houseshoe, and a flip flop
  • A cat (seriously…he snuck in while I was working…with the help of the Climber)
  • 2 sheets of stickers that had never been stuck on anything
  • My slate grey eyeliner
  • Lots of batteries
  • Goodnight Moon
  • 4 Littlest Pet Shop critters

Best in Trash:

  • Lots and lots of discarded papers and tissues…of course
  • 2 half-licked-clean suckers
  • What I think was once a Tootsie Roll (I hope)
  • My son’s cracker stash
  • My daughter’s rock stash
  • A bundle of dead dandelions
  • A lock of my daughter’s hair…that we thankfully had (apparently) never missed

Best of the Things that made me go Hmmm:

  • What “Flart” goo apparently does when it dries to a bedpost
  • Play-Doh rocks
  • Lots of little animals wearing clothing from the naked Barbies
  • My son’s suitcase…packed and ready to go courtesy of the Diva
  • Roughly 57 movies in the wrong cases
  • Chapstick stash IN the CD player
  • Something green and glittery in a teacup
  • Something pink and sticky in the oven of the play kitchen
  • Something fuzzy under the bed (later identified as the wayward cat)

The garage sale boxes were full of outgrown clothes and unused toys.

The biggest treasure of all…

THERE WAS CARPET UNDER ALL THAT CRAP!!!!

A rare sight in the hot, dry climate of the West Texas Panhandle today…

Rare Spotted Minion Foraging for Sugar and Caffeine

A Spotted Minion was found foraging for sugar-containing food and drink, wearing a shoe robbed from another, larger minion. Most forms of food and drink, and many kinds of clothing and accessories are commonly found missing after a sighting of a Minion of any kind, especially the younger ones.

Minions are cuddly creatures that love to be held and played with, and make great pets and family members. They are sometimes a handful, as they love to climb and dismantle things. They get along well with other creatures, often sighted snuggling with domestic cats and dogs. If you see one, a Minion can often be coaxed near with a handful of mini-marshmallows or a beverage with a straw.

A Sweet and Happy Critter

These creatures are scavengers, eating and drinking what they find. Some are picky, but they are almost always up for something sugary.

Spotted minions are extremely rare, and often mistaken for those of the more common species. This is because the spots are only evident in special circumstances…in this case, a sheet of pricing labels was left unattended and was taken by two minions, resulting in the appearance of spots.

There have also been sightings of Striped Minions, usually in concurrence to the disappearance of markers. Fancy Minions are often seen in stolen beads and tiaras, and are normally larger in size than this Spotted Minion seen here.

Other names for the Minion include, Little Sh*t, Buddy, Klepto-Kid, and Dammit Son