Nope, I’m far from Perfect!

Posted: July 11, 2011 in Random Crap
Tags: , , ,

I am not perfect. Not even close. Here are just a few of the many reasons…

  • I eat cheeseburgers for breakfast and brew coffee at midnight.
  • I bitch about the coffee if it is cheap, because cheap coffee brewing smells like dirt.
  • I have eaten dirt.
  • I don’t eat green food except for pickles. I loathe green vegetables, and I am a hypocrite because I feed them to my children. I also don’t eat certain other foods because of texture.
  • I want to slap people who say “I have OCD” because they like their house clean or don’t like sticky fingers…I want to scream at them, “have you EVER cried because your husband might remarry if you run over someone and go to jail? Or thrown things because someone moved the purple Post-it that said ‘blue’? Or spent $40 in gas to go make sure you fed the cat?”
  • I have lost my sunglasses and cried…until I found them in my hair.
  • I fall upstairs. I run into walls. I have not gone a day in my life without some bruise or random scrape to prove my own ineptness at walking. However, I can jitterbug. Yes, I know there is no logic to this.
  • I love karaoke…and I am quite sure I cannot carry a tune in a bucket because I can’t even stand listening to my own voicemail messages.
  • I actually don’t have voicemail anymore, because I despise it…for no good reason whatsoever.
  • I would rather text you than call you, because talking on the phone usually involves awkward silence, awkward small talk, or dropped calls.
  • I live in Hicksville USA and I prefer rock music.
  • I like cats much better than dogs. Dogs are needy and demanding…that actually might give you more insight into my personality than just about anything else on this page.
  • I have tan lines.
  • I ate ice cream for lunch today.
  • My hair color changes according to my mood.
  • I have two tattoos, much to my mother’s everlasting horror, and a pierced tongue. I plan to add two more tattoos someday. Therefore the “tattooed white trash” bumper sticker would be quite accurate on my truck.
  • My favorite decoration of any kind in the world is the sticker on my truck of the Happy Hippie Bunny flashing a peace sign. It’s bright, annoyingly yellow.
  • If you are male, and you piss me off, I WILL change your ringtone in my phone to Dancing Queen.
  • My default ringtone is the Chipmunks singing Funky Town. My default notification is Alvin singing Bow Chicka Bow Wow.
  • I cannot do anything without music playing…if my soundtrack were to suddenly die, I would do a great impression of a slug being slowly killed by salt.
  • I pick at my cuticles and bite my nails until they bleed (another great OCD perk!).
  • I studied Psychology in college, and cannot help thinking that I could help a lot of people if I could randomly dole out anti-depressants and anti-psychotics to the people who annoy me. I am aware that the problem is probably mine. I don’t care.
  • I am possibly just a little anti-social.
  • If I like a song, I can listen to it on repeat for HOURS.
  • I dance around my house with my kids, singing at the top of our lungs, acting like circus freaks.
  • I have put colored streaks in my hair with a magic marker.
  • I hate wearing shoes that anyone else would consider “cute.” Cute shoes hurt like hell, and I don’t see the point in torturing your feet any more than absolutely necessary. I live in flip flops and Nikes.
  • I have started roughly 137 diaries in my life. I have reached the middle pages of exactly one. Most never get filled past the third page.
  • I am somewhat fascinated with blood, and I am a trauma-junkie. It bodes well as an EMT, but not so well in general conversation with weak-stomached people.
  • I was a saxophone-playing band geek in school with very few friends.
  • I am a book-worm with very few friends.
  • I might have very few friends because of the anti-social thing.
  • I am not a morning person and believe that hell is probably full of morning people.
  • I am not afraid of spiders, snakes, ghosts, vampires, demons, mice, or large animals with teeth. I am, however, deathly afraid of clowns and centipedes.
  • I have thrown burning cookies out a seven floor window and hoped for the best.
  • I have first-hand knowledge that doggie biscuits are not worth the $20 you can get from a friend for trying one.
  • I apparently cannot sustain a successful romantic relationship to save my life.
  • I don’t wear dresses for much the same reason I don’t wear cute shoes…and for the fact that most dresses look ridiculous with my Nikes.
  • I don’t wear sunscreen.
  • I have a passion for jet-black eyeliner and mascara.
  • My favorite song of all time is Paint it Black.
  • My favorite movie is either Pulp Fiction or the Boondock Saints.
  • I have horrible handwriting most of the time.

There are plenty more reasons, but many cannot be printed and viewed by the public (or the family members I know read this, actually)…and I am tired of typing now.

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