Of Wasps and Men…

Posted: March 17, 2011 in Living on the Back 40
Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

I married a man who shrieks like a little girl and does the freaky dance if he walks through a spiderweb. This is the same man who wears kevlar and carries an M-something-or-other on his shoulder, a pistol on his side, and a knife in his boot. Gun-wielding psychopaths are no match for him, but a single strand of silk will bring him to his knees.

A wasp can extract almost the same reaction in this tough man…minus the shrieking, with more arm-waving. If we didn’t share this ranch with a population of roughly eight thousand wasps, it might have escaped my notice for a few more years.

Unfortunately, we live in a place where the bugs were (at some point in history) exposed to radioactive chemicals that gave them super powers.

The scorpions glow under a black light. Seriously. They also play dead if you poke them with a stick.

The spiders average the size of my closed fist, and can create a web that might actually stop a man in his tracks…they certainly have an effect on cops.

We have a few mosquitoes…they don’t bother me too much, they think my husband is skeeter-candy, though. More than those, we have what I grew up calling Mosquito-Hawks. I don’t know if that is a name I made up as a child or an actual reference, but they are basically giant mosquitoes. They fit right in with our overly-healthy arthropod/arachnid population.

Porcupines actually do shoot quills from their nether regions with the flexing of a muscle. I did not believe this, and dismissed it as an old wives’ tale until I actually witnessed the hissy fit that ensued from Officer Spiderman and his gun.

There are still some who don’t believe the centipede I found one day was ten inches long and had a red head. These same people actually saw the aftermath…I moved EVERYTHING out of my house in one afternoon. Seriously folks, I wouldn’t have done that for some little bug! …still never found the damn thing.

I am deathly afraid of centipedes. And clowns.These are actual phobias that will make me stop breathing for a space of time. People who love me don’t torture me with these things, people who grow to love me learn quickly that it’s not like jumping around a corner with a Scream mask on…it’s not a funny prank to pull.

Spiders, snakes, mice, and porcupines I can handle, and my husband is pretty good about exterminating any centipedes and scorpions we run across, and I take care of the things that can attack from above.

At least I don’t have to worry about bad guys…when someone breaks into the house, I get to be the one that screams like a girl.


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Comments
  1. Sounds like quite the intense place. I love your humorous description of it… I am that guy as well in a lot of ways. Love the writing style.*New Subscriber Alert* 🙂

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